The Other Night -
I awoke in a daze, awash in a sea of midichlorians. I had lost count of the years and days that had passed in this place, adrift on my own mastery of the Force. As I am the greatest Jedi Master, a consummate adventurer and all around excellent man, the vastness of this sea of midichlorians came as no surprise to me. Nor would it have anyway, because I had been here for exactly nine years and two days afloat.

Lost in this sea of very valid and not at all contradictory statements (Oh, and midichlorians) I had not noticed the convenient literary device on the horizon. I was ready to seize on this opportunity, even before it revealed itself to me. Using my self-taught mastery of the Force I invented a new technique on the spot, rocketing from the water with a sound that by itself would have shown everyone that I was too awesome to bully if they did not know that already. I arose to at least a million miles above the clouds only to gracefully fall back to the waters of my birth and my majesty completely unharmed, landing on the deck of the first line of defense against all evildoers and evildonters in the Galaxy, the U.S.S.R ‘Hero of Tython’.

A Chance the Rapper Encounter -
I had been on board the Hero of Tython for exactly nine years and two days now, and in that time I had developed a cursory bout of very magical eye-contact with many of its crew, working up my courage to eventually tell them why I had taken to living in their laundry room. Fortunately for me, I did not have to wait long, as my first experience with what they had come to call ‘conversation’ was approaching fast, and it came in the form of a man known the world over for being known the world over, Doctor Lord Tarnis ‘Doctor Lord’ Rad, Grand Admiral Sniper of the Galactic Republic…slash Doctor Lord.

He was timid in his approach at first, merely asking my name and why I had been here for the better part of a decade without so much as saying ‘Hello’. I found these questions to be banal and beneath my response, so I responded immediately ‘I am Jedi Master Orgus ‘Jedi Master’ Din, Jedi Master’. He was not impressed, even though he TOTALLY should have been because I’m like SO amazing, but you already know that. Of course, one thing lead to another, and he challenged me to partake in something akin to a Dragonball Z martial arts tourney.

We threw down hard, I had the advantage, then he did. Needless to say, the entire Earth was destroyed. Thankfully we were unharmed, having unknowingly taken refuge on the planet Tython from the just-happening apocalypse by being born here. I took full credit for this, and he swore a life-debt to me because I am amazing and not intimidated by Bengel Morr at all.

Ghouliver’s Travels -
Several months of Galaxy-wide goon trouncing later, Doctor Lord Tarnis and I had grown to be fast friends. We were like a pair of marsupials, FOPing on point and leaving criminals RIPing in peace. I was cooler and more handsome and successful, with a stronger connection to the Force and a more well-managed 401k. Tarnis, though, had his redeeming qualities, he had helmed various institutions of higher learning that were also known the world over for being known the world over. These were useful in more ways than just academics however, and by forcing every criminal element we found to attend, he was able to afford several 1972 Ford Lincolns with which to stack and get stacked. These were happy times. They would last.

Until They Didn’t. -
Having grown fat and complacent on the fruits of our lithe-bodied conquests, we began to allegedly do a lot more conning and a lot less questing, leading to various legal problems that were entirely manufactured by the Republic to blemish our glorious golden reputations. The very idea is so laughable, dear reader, I will not waste your time with the libelous details. The message had been sent, though, the Republic had made its decision, it had joined the forces of darkness. We had to make haste to the farthest flung pirate havens imaginable, partake in depravities so immense they would crush the souls of lesser men, and considerably less consummate adventurers.

Everything was going great, of course, but we were approached by a treacherous Sith Lord while visiting a Republic senator’s lavish mansion on a tropical planet in the Outer Rim, with hopes of gaining the senator’s support in our noble quest to be installed as mutual rulers of the Galaxy, a sort of ‘Rule of Two’ if you will. This foul sorcerer was clad in a Republic officer’s uniform, no doubt stolen from one of the brave souls we had been fighting for, he accused our wise and haughty personages of trying to extort the support of this senator with threats of violence and genocide. ‘Another laughable smear campaign!’ I screamed to the heavens, beheading both the senator and his accomplice in one fell swoop with my lightsaber. ‘Such is the fate of all traitors, ehehehe.’ noted Doctor Lord Tarnis. I nodded, and we had a real bonding moment with some serious air-guitar action, fistbumps flew freely on the wings of angels through…uh.

We Just Borrowed It -
Having calmed ourselves down a bit from all of the justifiable homicide in the line of duty and celebratory activity, we realized we were now essentially stranded on an uninhabited world without a ride. ‘Perhaps we ought not to careen our only means of transportation into the nearest space station every time we need to disembark.’ I mused. Tarnis found my lack of appreciation for his newly dubbed sport of ‘Force Ditching’ very disconcerting, but we had bigger problems at hand. Assigning no further blame to the good Doctor, I sprung into action.

I began my assault on all of the evils of the world, one at a time. Beginning firstly with the demon of travel without mechanical aid, I spryly leapt across the fallen senator’s body, Force Pulling his starship’s keys from their resting place upon the wall and landing on my feet, which produced a shockwave so catastrophic it made all of his office’s windows explode. A strong gust overtook us, ‘Pockets full of puffs, Orgus! It’s moderately cloudy!’ Tarnis exclaimed, loosing his grip on both his bearing and his bearings, one very much a matter of social standing and the other very much about standing at all. He slipped and fell, careening at speeds upwards of 7 miles per hour toward the open window.

I was befuddled, for the house was yet entirely level, horizontal with the planet upon which it stood, the wind was pushing in, not out! No, none of this made sense. Resigning myself to the fact that Tarnis would soon fly from my grasp forever out the window and into the cold night, I knew I had to make a choice. With superhuman restraint, I turned to the fallen senator in my grief, and cut the cadaver to ribbons with my lightsaber, hooting and hollering about how he done stole my money. This was absurd, of course, as he had stolen something so much more precious.

Realizing this only enraged me further, ‘This is for Tarnis..’ I said, tears in my eyes. The senator said nothing, having been well past dead for some time, and in pieces to boot. I recovered the body of my fallen friend, slung him over my shoulder, and made for the senator’s ship.

The Jedi Mastering -
Here we were, so close to the end of our journey to save the Republic and yet so very far. I sat in the cockpit of this Republic vessel and mourned a great man, the senator. So much influence, so much respect. This ship was, in two words, wicked sick. For every safety feature there were at least six luxury features, and the sound system was sublime. I spoke of this at length to myself, and to Tarnis, who had a similar appreciation for both the ship and the fact that he was no longer in danger, nor ever in danger. Ah, how I had forgotten his love for office bay windows, the love for which drove him to admire the senator’s. We would have many such windows in our office on Coruscant one day, after receiving a hero’s welcome for bringing justice to the corrupt administration and being made the shoe-in candidates.

Not merely in love with ourselves, each other, and windows. We also relished in the circumstance that brought us to take this particular vessel as our payment for a job well done in service of democracy. There would be a chance now, to right the wrongs of the wrongly elected. ‘This is why democracy does not work, you put in totally self-serving individuals who care nothing for the plight of the common citizen of the Republic.’ Tarnis quipped. I, also a man of serious political leaning, leant in and spoke thusly ‘Indeed, they would be better served with us at the helm, then we’d really get the respect we deserve.’ ‘Not to mention the fortune, the opulence.’ Tarnis interjected. ‘Indeed, we only need deal with the current pretenders, then we will set it aright. We will save them from themselves, it is the Jedi way.’ I finished.

We then made our pact, it would be so. We would reign, we would liberate, until every planet in the Galaxy idolized us to the point of concern for their own well being. Our next dalliance planned, we set a course for Coruscant and made the jump to lightspeed, arriving in Coruscant orbit some moments later. ‘Are we there yet?’ Tarnis inquired, having grown very, very bored in the minute or so it took for us to travel from one end of the Galaxy to its very core. ‘Finally.’ I replied. Tarnis leapt to his feet, eager to become the paragon of social justice he had always already seen himself as. I, already a paragon of social justice, only stood slowly.

‘Shall we make our entrance?’ Tarnis asked, one hand on the ship’s airlock door handle. ‘I believe you know what must be done, Doctor.’ I suggested. Tarnis nodded approvingly, and threw his hand back, because doors are for pedestrians and we are Star CITIZENS! We swiftly readied our lightsabers, elegant weapons of the Jedi Order, each taking one upper corner of the door. In perfect unison, we brought them to bear on it and cleaved downward diagonally. The door expldoed open as the air was ripped from our ship and we were sucked into space’s icy embrace. Completely bereft of space suits, a normal man would have been dead within seconds, but we were no normal men. The fires in our hearts burned, always raging, always turbo. We used our Force powers to rocket ourselves downward toward Coruscant’s atmosphere, aiding gravity in speeding our descent. At the same time, shielding ourselves from harm through intense meditation on our own excellence.

Our ship fell in kind, slower than us despite its heavy metal form. It was a powerless, mindless, broken and burned hunk of trash. I loved it so, and I would miss it dearly. As we neared the planet’s cityscape surface, we spied the Galactic Senate, and steered ourselves toward it. Now that we were so close to our target, we saw no need to push ourselves so, and we slowed our plunge onto the Senate’s spaceport. I telepathically spoke to Tarnis and asked him if he was clear on our plan. We would go in, declare the Senate’s recent activity null and void and invoke a very believable treaty between the Jedi Order and the Republic that would allow us to take the governmental reigns and displace the current chancellor, giving us time to cultivate public opinion and slowly ease ourselves into the role cleanly. The fact that we were going to be dealing with the foremost minds on such matters, who would almost certainly see through that, did not cross my mind. I was just too pumped.

Finally, we made landfall. Brushing ourselves off, we began to walk toward the main gate, our brown hooded robes, the ever-present and respectable symbol of our Force tradition being blown about in the breeze. We looked SO handsome. We saluted the Republic commados positioned outside, the very defenders of the heart of this vast society across the stars. Ever vigilant, ever ready, for anything and everything.

As we neared the entrance proper, Tarnis put his hand on my shoulder, mouth agape. ‘What is i-’ I began to ask, but there was no time. No, this actually kind of sucked. We heel-turned and began to run, away from the aforementioned heart of civilization. Right before our massive stolen starship slammed into it, bringing to light a great question of whether or not we were now the very definition of criminally liable. Indeed, we believed we were. ‘Well, bail?’ Tarnis asked. ‘Bail’ I replied. With one final fistbump, we threw our arms over one another’s shoulders and began to quite hastily walk off to a new adventure.

Far, FAR away from a galaxy far, far away.