2 members
Patrick Star Church / PATRICK
-
Social -
Medical
Praise the god of the verse, Patrick Star!
Blessed are those who possess no thoughts, for they shall never be confused.
A true disciple has no need for Janalite. He requires only a cup of Big Benny’s and the patience of a rock, waiting for the microwave of destiny to go ‘ding’.
History
The Era of Noise (Pre-2940)
In the beginning, there was only the deafening roar of thrusters and the chaotic chatter of the UEE. Our ancestors were lost in the “Great Hustle,” chasing credits and rank, blind to the true nature of the universe. They were hollow, driven by the false gods of “Efficiency” and “Productivity.”
2942: The Vision of the Great Slab
It happened on a desolate moon in the Pyro system. Our First Prophet, seeker of the Ultimate Stillness, ran out of hydrogen fuel. Instead of panic, he felt a strange, gelatinous peace. As his life support flickered, he beheld a vision: a celestial being, star-shaped and rose-hued, reclining beneath a cosmic rock. The Being spoke a single, divine truth: “Is this the Krusty Krab? No, this is Destiny.”
2945: The Founding of the Rock
The Prophet survived (mostly by forgetting to breathe until his suit sensors rebooted) and gathered the first disciples. We realized that the Star-Shaped One was not just a myth, but the architect of the Verse. He represents the Divine Inertia. We established our first temple inside a hollowed-out asteroid, vowing to mimic His holiness by doing as little as humanly possible.
2950: The Great Ascension of Wumbo
Our theologians discovered the sacred geometry of Wumbo. By turning our ship components upside down (an act of “Wumbology”), we achieved a state of technical grace. While the heathens at Aegis and Anvil build ships for war, we fly ships that embody the Pink One’s softness. The first “Pink Pilgrimage” saw forty Hull-Cs drifting aimlessly through the Stanton belt, their crews united in a collective, holy nap.
Manifesto
The Manifesto of Enlightened Inertia
Preamble
In a galaxy consumed by greed, war, and the relentless urge for progress, we choose the path of stagnation. We are the disciples of the Pink One, the architects of nothingness.
Our Tenets
1. The Divinity of Ignorance: Knowledge leads to questions, questions lead to work, and work leads to stress. Only in absolute ignorance can true peace be found.
2. The Wumbo Principle: Everything in the universe can be explained through Wumbology. He who does not honor the Wumbo is not worthy of the Verse.
3. The Rock as Sanctuary: Just as our God dwells beneath a rock, we too seek shelter from the complexities of life within the simplicity of matter.
4. The Emptiness of the Mind: An empty mind is a holy mind. We strive to know as little as possible about the inner workings of our ships.
“The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.”
— The First Vision
Charter
§1. Identity
Every member is solemnly obligated to respond to radio checks from the UEE or any other organization exclusively with the holy formula: “No, this is Patrick!” Any other response is considered a lapse in faith.
§2. Aesthetics
All vessels within the fleet must be adorned in the color of the Holy One (Pink/Lovestruck) whenever technically or financially feasible. A ship devoid of pink is nothing more than a sad, cold piece of scrap metal drifting in the void.
§3. Behavioral Protocol
In precarious situations – such as pirate interdictions, server collapses, or critical fuel shortages – the sanctioned reaction is to: “Firmly grasp it!” Should this fail to resolve the crisis, members are instructed to run in circles while screaming at maximum volume.
§4. Divine Nutrition
Big Benny’s Noodles are recognized as the literal flesh of the God. Furthermore, the ritual spilling of milk is a sacred act and must be performed at every formal gathering to maintain spiritual humidity.
§5. Diplomacy
We do not wage war; war requires too much coordination. Instead, we practice Territorial Squatting. We shall sit upon the territories of our enemies until they abandon their posts out of sheer, overwhelming confusion.
“The mind of a genius is a heavy burden, so we chose to leave ours at the last spaceport.”
— The High Priest of the Belly Button Lint
