Rodents of Unusual Size / R0US

Long ago . . .

A farm boy had his heart broken by his mistress, Buttercup, and ran off. Some time later the farm boy was captured by a dreadful pirate by the name of “Roberts”, who threatened to kill him everyday, but never did. (Something about true love and that muckery.)

Eventually the Dread Pirate Roberts retired and left his throne to the farm boy. The farm boy (who shall now be know as Westley) took over the name Dread Pirate Roberts and spent some time pillaging on the high seas. A while later he stupidly returned to profess his undying love for Buttercup. To his dismay, Westley found his true love betrothed to another! No doubt, this other was a scoundrel of a man, this Prince Humperdink, as he had been plotting to kill Buttercup right after the wedding!

I know, you’re probably thinking, “Perfect, Westley just went back to being Dread Pirate Roberts and she got her just deserts!”.

Not exactly. After some deliberation Buttercup convinced poor Westley that the life of women, wine, and song wasn’t the life he’d sought after, and that he should stay with her and make babies. And so, he agreed to stay and help rescue her from the evil Prince Humperdink.

They embraced for a moment, caught up in all that muckery, and ended up rolling down a hill and stumbling into the Fire Swamp – our Fire Swamp – our home!

Well, we hate intruders, as we are a very private bunch. (Hence the reputation that we don’t exist!) And taking all of that into consideration we tried our best to escort them out. Only, Westley wasn’t impressed and began slashing and bashing at us with his very long extremities! (How completely rude was this guy?)

Well! We couldn’t just stand there and take that, no! We attacked! Unfortunately we had no idea Westley was also the Dread Pirate Roberts. As you may guess — us being clumsy giant rodents, and him an incredibly fit human who was an expert pugilist with ninja-like prowess, the fight quickly swayed to his advantage and we had no choice but to retreat. Sadly, we lost a dear mate in the process.

We shall never forget Jeff.

Long after Westley had defeated the evil prince, he returned to the Fire Swamp with peace offerings: plenty of rotting meat for our bellies, and goose grease for our fur. Being the humble giant rodents we were, Westley’s gifts were gladly accepted and he became fast friends with the Rodents of Unusual Size. Soon after that, the farm boy gave up his pirating business to an old friend. (A Spanish man from a previous encounter involving a giant. He’d taken the name The Spaniard rather than the Roberts name.) Eventually Westley and his wife, Buttercup, built a cottage in their retirement — right in the middle of the Fire Swamp. They started a family, and in his later years he became mayor of the swamp.

Over time Westley took his son, Dave, and several of the youths of our community, as apprentices. He taught them the ways of the ocean, how to navigate under the stars, and the life of the seafaring wanderer. Once they were of age, Dave took his father’s old moniker, and became the new Dread Pirate Roberts. Dave left the Fire Swamp along with the other young rodents to seek adventure and fortune on the high seas—never to return.

It was said that now and again gifts of food, and supplies were found on the edge of the swamp when the rivers ran dry, and the air became cold. Over the years tales of Dread Pirate Roberts and his fearsome crew of ROUS’s became legend. But with father time, as the legend grew they faded off into the twilight.

Not much else is known about Dread Pirate Roberts or the Rodents of Unusual Size, due to a massive fire destroying everything in the Fire Swamp. It scorched the earth so bad that to this day, centuries later, nothing grows there. Only a few records survived from the archives with the last of our kind, and the rest of what we know of today is lore passed along from parents to their children. So the legend of Westley, the Dread Pirate Roberts and his band of Merry Rodents lives on in our hearts and minds. In our culture the ways of the old men on the sea have carried on into today as we navigate among the stars.