The New Pastafarianists / RAMEN

The first person to learn of His Noodliness was the heroic pirate, Captain Mosey of the good ship Lasagne.

Born in Phoenicia, Mosey was the son of a sea cook, who was killed one day at sea by the vicious pirate king, Blackhook. When Mosey learned of the death of his father, he built himself a raft and attempted to go after Blackhook himself; however, he came ashore on an island often frequented by the pirate king’s crew and was caught off guard.

After taking Mosey hostage, Blackhook fed him a dinner of undercooked noodles with mead, sending Mosey into a delirious stupor. At first seeing visions of elephants, strippers, and midgets, Mosey finally saw an image he would never forget: a giant monster, made of spaghetti, floating above a starry sea. The monster approached Mosey and said to him, “Do not be afraid. I am your God.”

The monster soon revealed to Mosey that he had hid himself from the world on purpose, “so that they may not become incredulous at my appearing.” He then told Mosey that he was to be “my prophet, my messenger to the people, who will give them news of my Coming, and rejoice with them.” When Mosey exclaimed that he had neither the courage nor the personal bearing to be the messenger of an unknown god, the monster replied, “My son, do not be afraid; I, the One, True, and Most High God, will guide you.”
RosettaSpaghetti

Pharaoh Ptolemy XII issues a proclamation on the growing threat of Pastafarianism.

After being marooned on a deserted island by the pirates, Mosey took the initiative: he caught a couple of sea turtles and roped them together with hair from his back to make a raft. He then travelled to the nearest port city, Cyrene, where he expounded to all the great vision he had had of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). The people, believing this to be a most holy sign, rose up against Blackhook when he next came to the port and destroyed his vast fleet of ships, killing Blackhook himself in the process.

Now free of their vicious tyrant, Mosey led the people, his new followers, to a nearby mountain, Mount Salsa, where, at the top, the FSM spoke to Mosey and gave him 10 stone tablets upon which the FSM’s wishes were stated. Unfortunately, Mosey dropped two of the stones on the way down the mountain, leaving the Eight “I Really Rather You Didn’ts”. This is believed to be the reason behind his people’s flimsy moral standards.

Mosey’s people became the first Pastafarians, and soon bought a vessel from the Roman Navy, which they deemed a missionary vessel, calling it Lasagne. They began roaming the seas, storming vessels and kidnapping young Romans to be converted; if they did not accept, they would be held for ransom at a ridiculously low price, which no one ever challenged. Sadly, this would be the cause of Mosey’s downfall.

As a young man, Julius Caesar planned on taking a trip to Greece by sea. Unfortunately for him, the Pastafarians seized control of the vessel he was on in 75 BC (Pastafarian Year 1), kidnapped Caesar, and held him for ransom. Caesar was insulted at the ransom demand, which was disgustingly low, and promised to crucify the crew of the Lasagne after he was free. At his insistence, Mosey raised the ransom demand to a level in accordance with his station: his friends quickly raised the sum. After his freedom was purchased, he assembled a small army, which captured Mosey, along with a few of his closest friends, and crucified him. They then dismantled the Lasagne and sold it for scrap.

According to the prophet Ragu, one of those who evaded Caesar’s forces, Mosey’s last words were, “Die, sir? Why, that’s the last thing I’ll do!” His body was burned, and his ashes scattered to the four corners of the earth, by the remnants of the Lasagne crew; the first Pastafarian community.
Ragu
Flying Spaghetti

The Flying Spaghetti Monster appears to Ragu.

The great prophet Ragu, the One True Heir to the prophet Mosey, was born in the port city of Cyrene to a local farmer, who raised him to follow in his footsteps. Ragu, however, could not function in normal society, being plagued with epileptic fits that constantly ostracized him from the community.

At the age of ten, Ragu was part of a miracle performed by the pirate Mosey, who had just arrived in Cyrene and was preaching the good news of the FSM. As a sign, Mosey touched the boy’s head with some wet noodles that had been dipped in sauce blessed through the FSM; Ragu’s epilepsy never returned. He soon became a devout follower of the pirate, inspiring the people to rise up against the pirate king Blackhook when next he came to Cyrene.

At nearly all of his religion’s greatest moments, Ragu was there. When Mosey went up to the top of Mt. Salsa to receive to word from the FSM, Ragu was there, keeping the people calm with words of wisdom. When it came time for Mosey to buy a missionary vessel, Ragu selected the one they would use, even christening it Lasagne.

After 12 years at sea, Ragu was one of those who survived the attack on the Pastafarian vessel, soon becoming the spiritual leader of this group of people as well. After composing a number of prayers to the FSM, Ragu led his people off the shores of the Mediterranean and into what is now Saudi Arabia, wandering through the desert and most of Iran for 47 years until they finally reached the foot of the Himalayas, at which point they began to build the holy city of Hanuwumdra.

In AD 26 (Pastafarian Year 101), at the ripe old age of 123, after having completed directing the building of Hanuwumdra and having composed over 500 hymns and prayers since the burning of the Lasagne, Ragu died, promising on his deathbed that “a Chosen Linguini shall come… indeed, he is coming, very soon… and the noodly appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster will guide him always… and you shall know him when he comes… and his name shall be—”

At that moment, Ragu died, leaving his prophecy unfinished. To this day, most sects of Pastafarianism await the time of this Chosen Linguini, hoping they will know him when he comes.

Another sect, however, believes that he has already come and gone, in the personage of one of the religion’s most famous disciples: Ishmali Camuwundra.
Ishmali Camuwundra

The Most Reverend disciple Ishmali Camuwundra was born in the city of Hanuwumdra in 7 BC (Pastafarian Year 68), the son of an Indian convert to the new religion of Pastafarianism. At the time, the city of Hanuwumdra was being built, and his father was one of the workers at the city. Whilst living there, he became indoctrinated, and quickly spread his newfound belief in the FSM to his son. In his youth, Ishmali would stay up many nights, writing on parchments of new ways to glorify the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

When Ishmali was eight, his father was killed when the gold dome of the Temple of the FSM collapsed in as workers were constructing the altar. Subsequently, since he no longer had any family to speak of, Ishmali was taken in by the aging religious leader Ragu, who taught him the sacred ideals of the FSM. And Ishmali grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with the Flying Spaghetti Monster and men.

Just as the city of Hanuwumdra was finally completed, and just as Ishmali turned 33, his mentor Ragu died after a long illness. On his deathbed, Ragu predicted the coming of a Chosen Linguini, whom the people would know when he came, but the old prophet died before he could say the name of the coming one. Consequently, there was much discussion as to whom this Chosen Linguini could be. After much debate, and suggestions that it could be the late prophet Mosey or the Pastafarian community as a whole, a few members of the faith began to feel that Ishmali Camuwundra might be the correct candidate.

The reasons for this were plausible: Ishmali had always been a loyal follower of the FSM, and had authored many tracts about the good the FSM did. He was a faithful pupil of Ragu, and had been named as one of the candidates to succeed the old prophet as religious head of the community upon Ragu’s death. He even became popular enough to be known by name to all in the city of Hanuwumdra.

But it didn’t become obvious for some until Ishmali came out of his 30-day seclusion after Ragu’s death. Over the course of a single month, there had occurred a startling change in the young man’s appearance: he had grown gaunt and pale, his striking brown eyes had grown jaundiced and glassy, and, most striking of all, his luxurious jet-black hair had turned the colour of pasta. This was enough for some to start praising him as the Chosen Linguini.

Ishmali, however, did not make any announcements. He said not a word about his supposed messiah-dom, but instead continued to live life as if it were uninterrupted. If a woman shouted, “Oh, Chosen Linguini!” in the streets at him, he would simply nod at her as though she were a friendly neighbor and be on his way. If a man knelt before him in the street and begged Ishmali to bless him, he would just pat the man on the head and walk away; the man left marveling over the wonderful sagacity of the Chosen Linguini.

Alas; even though Ishmali did nothing, the incessant worship of him by the people was enough to send the city’s new religious leader, Subh-i-Wayh, into a frenzy. Fearing for his position, he ordered Ishmali arrested. Trying him in the Temple of the FSM, a vote by his fellow citizens found Ishmali innocent, but Subh-i-Wayh had him executed anyway.

At the dawn of the day following his arrest, Ishmali was led out to a large pot, where he was laid in. Asked if he had any last requests, he murmured from the pot, “Forgive… forgive them, Flying Spaghetti Monster; they know… they know not what they do.” A moment later, spaghetti was poured over him, then water was put in, and finally a fire was lit under the pot. Ishmali was cooked alive as all the people watched in horror. A triumphant Subh-i-Wayh later ate that same pasta, Ishmali and all.

After this, the ones who had revered Ishmali as the Chosen Linguini, now calling themselves Linguinists, left Hanuwumdra for a place where they could worship the dead man in peace. The rest of the city, obviously not believing Ishmali was the coming one but disgusted that such a fate would happen to a man who had done nothing wrong at all, rose up against Subh-i-Wayh, banishing him to the mountains, where he most presumably died.

The people then installed Nin Jhah, a righteous man who was well-known in the community, as their new religious leader. While not actually worshipping Ishmali as a god-like figure, they, instead, ever after revered his numerous writings on the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and kept his Word always in their hearts.
Nin Jhah

A righteous man of prodigious strength, Nin Jhah was born the son of a poor cobbler. When not apprenticing under his father, young Nin was usually watching the prophet Ragu lecture to the people.

Growing to succeed his father in the trade, Nin the cobbler was well-known for his good advice when potential clients came to visit. With such aphorisms as “the wind that shakes the barley does not disturb the hops”, Nin quickly became a popular denizen of Hanuwumdra. He was also renowned for his incredibly fighting skill; to the amazement of the townspeople, he once fought off an entire band of outlaws using nothing but a colander.

In AD 26, after the removal of Subh-i-Wayh from power following his execution of renowned sage Ishmali Camuwundra, Nin Jhah was chosen by acclamation to take up the seat of religious power in the city.

During his first few months in office, all was fine; the people were at peace, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was in his Heaven, and all was right with the world. All that changed, however, after Nin Jhah’s sudden illness.

After returning from a trek into the mountains, Nin Jhah became afflicted with a vile disease, which drove him into delirious fervors and caused a horrible rash to break out all over his body. Bedridden for four months, he often hovered between life and death.

When he finally recovered, the people breathed a sigh of relief. That would change, unfortunately.

Though Nin had recovered from the illness, his mind had not; he had become warped and crazed. Furthermore, the hideous rash had disfigured his body in a most dreadful manner, forcing him to dress all in black, with all but his eyes covered in cloth.

Soon, he called for a new defense force to be formed (though there had not been one before), out of both fear against perceived enemies and extreme paranoia in general. After ordering the defense force (composed of the most physically fit in the city) to dress identically to him, he then decreed that all of Hanuwumdra should dress in this fashion.

The people, enraged that the heritage of their religion was being disrespected as such, began to dress in flamboyant pirate outfits, in protest of the new dress code. When Nin Jhah learned of this, he ordered the most flamboyant dressers brought to him.

Asking them why they were disobeying him, they answered, “We may not ask you, Nin Jhah?” Left with no appropriate response, he instead replied, “I look forward to killing you soon!”

Nin then commanded his black-garbed minions to fling those brought to him off the top of the Temple of the FSM. The general populace, shocked that this would happen, rose up in arms against Nin Jhah, eventually forcing their way into his palace.

After being confronted en masse, Nin Jhah offered the people a reasonable choice: those who would submit to the dress code and admit that it looked more stylish than the pirate regalia could stay; those who felt more attached to pirate garb could move to the other side of the city, where they could wear what they desired in peace. The Temple of the Flying Spaghetti Monster would be split down the middle; each sect could have their services on the opposite side.

Once the people thought it over, they agreed it was a good idea, and the city was thus divided: one half, the section controlled by Nin Jhah, remained Hanuwumdra; the other half, the section populated by those who dressed as pirates, would be renamed Pastafaria. (Thus, the name of the religion.)

One small sect, however, wanted to carry on the teachings and training of Nin Jhah but not give up their beloved Pirate lifestyle and wardrobe. They called themselves the Pirates of Nin Jhah (now known as Ninja-Pirates). They gave all of this infighting a miss and went off to the forgotten land of Manvradoria.

After the Nin Jhah-ist sect moved to the Far East during the Crusades, they were not rediscovered until 1403 (Pastafarian Year 1478), when Alfredo de Spag-Hetti, a merchant from Parma, was given copies of the sacred texts of the sect by an Arab trader.

Attempting to translate the message he found so that he could bring it to the people of Italy, Alfredo inadvertently mistranslated the sect’s leader as the name of the sect, giving the world the name which it would fear above all names: Ninja.
Blackbeard the Pirate

Blackbeard

A sea worthy, villainous, and holy pirate if there ever was one, Blackbeard was a devout follower of Pastafarianism and steadfast worshiper of Pasta. According to Charles Johnson, Blackbeard fought a running duel with the British thirty-gun man-of-war HMS Scarborough, an Imperialist flag-ship of Lutheran infidels of her Majesty’s unholy Empire. This was followed with two other encounters, where Blackbeard waged holy war against John Martel’s band and Blackbeard’s close encounter with another warship, HMS Seaford.

One notable case of his pure, heroic, golden bravery was an account in 1732 just off the coast Bermuda. Blackbeard encountered a Merchant vessel carrying 300 atheist souls, mostly populated with women and children, at full sail and traveling quickly. Blackbeard, notorious for his vicious patience, acted fast and chased down the unholy ship and bombarded it mercilessly with his brass cannon balls. He and his brave followers then boarded the ship, slaughtering heathens to and fro, making sure to personally stick the Infidel’s pagan baby spawn upon his cutlass. Thanks to his actions, the New World was spared yet another hated boat load of sacrilegious fools.

However, colourful legends and vivid contemporary newspaper portrayals had him committing acts of religious cruelty and terror. One tale claims he shot his own first mate, saying “if he didn’t shoot one or two crewmen now and then, they’d forget of his holy noodliness that had birthed them all from his appendage.”

Another legend is that: Before he sailed upon his adventures, he married a young creature of about sixteen years of age… and this I have been informed, made his fourteenth wife… with whom after he had lain all night, it was his custom to invite five or six of his brutal companions to come ashore, and he would force her to prostitute herself to them all, one after the other, before his face.

This account is perfectly true.

Barry Foster

A notable, yet mostly overlooked figure in the history of the faith is the prophet Barry Foster, who took his apostolic name, Ishmali, from the great and devout disciple Ishmali Camuwundra, who clearly had no need of it.

Born in the small town of Gympie, Queensland in 1896 (Pastafarian Year 1971) to an agnostic family and later receiving the faith through the witnessing of a particularly vivid apparition shortly after accidentally falling into a barrel of mead, the prophet Barry devoted the later half of his life to the task of divining The Flying One’s intent through dreams and visions – transferred to him via a pet parrot that he kept in his trouser pocket – which he then translated to the page as a compendium of prophecies.

The resulting publication “Testament of a Noodle-Envious Disciple”, while initially receiving little recognition, became a pseudo-bible of the faith shortly after Barry’s unfortunate and slightly odd death by an electric model tram in 1936 (Pastafarian Year 2011) (odd, in that the electric model tram was unplugged at the time).

Sadly, the popularity of his writings began to wane to the point of obscurity by the 1950s due to the fact that none of the predictions seemed intent on coming true. Take for example, one of his most notable prophecies regarding the fantastic Great Contraption: “THE GREAT CONTRAPTION (10:3-5) Yea, so it shall come to pass that He will descend to the very earth, and He shall touch the tainted sands with His divine noodly appendage and He shall write in the sand and the writing that He shall scribe upon the sand will be writing that does tell of the means to construct the Great Contraption about which He shall write upon the sand. And the Great Contraption shall be built by His humble children who dwell upon the earth upon which lays the tainted sand onto which the writing about the Great Contraption shall be written by Him … (10:15-21) And so shall the Great Contraption serve the humble children and transport them to all corners of the world in half the time of the fastest contemporary propeller-driven aircraft, thus shall the need no longer be great for the consumption of the foul in-flight meal, nor the mingling with the wicked air hostess in her offensive garment which does reveal the calfs of her shapely, comely and smooth white legs and nubile curvaceous buttocks which call as like a siren to the very soul of a devout man, and her breasts. Did I mention breasts? Oh yes, breasts. Round, firm, pointy… (10:28-33) And this Great Contraption will need not fuel, and it shall have not wings. Nor will its use demand payment of fare, and no longer will His children need travel across land or sea, no, but upon the winds of the air as like He does, and shall dwell upon the clouds in great floating cities away from the foulness of the earth’s sand upon which will crawl the wicked children, and the wicked hostesses except those which He sees fit to allow to visit the cloudy cities for reasons of firm discipline… (10:45) Round shapely …. (10:63) And as it is written so shall it come to pass while I do live.”

Critics point out that, contrary to his oft-repeated quote “so shall it come to pass while I do live”, this prediction, as well as every other prediction, remained unfulfilled at the time of his death in 1936. This criticism is easily refuted however by the logical conclusion that his statement “while I do live” was never intended to define the time of prophecy fulfillment, but in fact was a condition of fulfillment; If he lives, then all shall come to pass. If he doesn’t live, then it won’t. Clearly, as none of his predictions has yet come to pass, and as he no longer lives, history proves the astounding accuracy of his prophetic ability.

Perhaps the prophet Barry’s greatest contribution is his explanation as to why Our Creator designed the world in such a way that those who seek to delve into the science of nature would be confused and led astray by the overwhelming “evidence” supporting the theory of Evolution. Many have wondered at the wisdom of such design, and why He felt the need to deceive His curious children, when He could have instead left them to search vainly, or perhaps provided evidence that would prove without a doubt the He indeed did create all species, therefore sating the curiosity of those who seek the truth and letting them live in peace with the sure comfort of faith, and avoiding such division, prejudice and hatred among His children that has instead resulted from the discovery of Evolutionary evidence. Prophet Barry’s conclusion is succinct: “Well, obviously He’s a bit of a dick. “

R’Amen.

PiratesFSM

As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
Pirates and global warming

According to his Noodliness, pirates are “absolute divine beings” and the original Pastafarians (human pastafarians, penguins being the first living).[O RLY?] Their image as “thieves and outcasts” is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and by Hare Krishnas. They were in fact “peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will” who distributed candy to small children, and modern pirates are in no way similar to “the fun-loving buccaneers from history” (Make sure to celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19). Ghost pirates are also believed to be responsible for all the mysterious lost ships and planes of the Bermuda Triangle.

The great Prophet, Henderson, illustrated that correlation does in fact imply causation. We put forth the argument that “global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s.”[Never Heard About It] An accompanying chart shows that as the number of pirates decreased, global temperatures increased. .

Church goers have further interpreted the growing pirate activities at the Gulf of Aden as an additional empirical support, pointing out that Somalia has “the highest number of Pirates AND the lowest Carbon emissions of any country.”