We are building a religion. A limited edition. We are widening the corridors, and adding more lanes. The Church is a non-prophet organisation. In the name of Havarti, the Bun, and the Wholly Toast, Let Us Prey.
Do you wish your fellow man showed more respect to the sacred cheeses of the universe? Does the sound of toenail clippers clicking drive you to burst of murderous violence? Do you believe the Good Times should Roll? Do you ponder the mysteries of the Possible, the Probable, and the Highly Improbable?
The First Universal Church of Knowledge is the Church of the Highly Improbable’s galactic arm, and it has come to our recent attention that many of you, despite being inducted into the Church against your knowledge and/or better judgement, have not paid your tithes. As the perceivable universes’s‘s one true religion, it is your sacred duty to uphold the three rules, to ameliorate your Good Times Quotient, and to pay your tithes.
The Church of the Highly Improbable has existed since the very first spark of existence took hold in the perceivable universe. As guardians of the Possible, the Probable, and the Highly Improbable, members of the Church (“Chians”) learn to experience the universe through the wonder of perceived reality.
The Church believes in one thing and one thing only – the universe is infinite. (As you progress along the Chian path you will find that technically the Church doesn’t even believe that on a regular basis, but we have to start from somewhere…)
If you can truly accept as fact that the universe is infinite, you must consider that in an infinite universe, given enough time, over an infinitude of possibilities, anything is Possible. Of course, given the sheer bloody hugeness of what we’re talking about most things are Highly Improbable.
Remember: religion is not an exact science.
His Wholliness the Vice Pope beseeches you to join the Church to further the reach of the knowledge of the Highly Improbable. And to pay your tithes.
Everything, and nothing. The Chian way teaches the Possibility of everything. We seek to debate, to push the envelope of belief, to diminish blind faith and replace it with the knowledge that in an infinite universe, anything is Possible. We do not deny the existence of any god nor gods, nor do we try to disprove evolution, creation or intelligent design. We seek only to enlighten others as to the High Improbability of anything a human “knows” being an actual or fundamental truth.
If by God you mean Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, or any other omnipotent supernatural entity, the short answer is no. However, a true Chian does not deny the Possibility of such a being existing. A Chian will more than likely choose not to worship such an entity, but will know the High Improbability of one god being in charge of everything.
The character known to millions as Jesus Christ, son of Mary and Joseph, Probably existed. Enough historical evidence exists to point to a vocal community leader of that name being alive at that time. Was he the son of a god? Highly Improbable. Was he influential in leading peaceful resistance, establishing a community spirit of love for fellow man? Absolutely. The teachings of Christ, whether they come from fact or fiction, are guidelines any human can use to guide life choices.
As with any modern self-help book, the bible, and the teachings of Christ (or any other human) should be reviewed for usefulness and adaptability. If following some of Christs’ methods – or indeed those of any other preacher, prophet or community leader – helps you to lead a better, more fruitful life experience, we urge you to follow those teachings.
Chians generally accept natural selection as an effect, not cause. Evolution theory is the very essence of the Chian trinity, the Possible, the Probable and the Highly Improbable. While Chians find it easier to grasp the math involved with evolution over other Possibilities, all theory remains just that; a theory. Evolution is as Highly Improbable as any other Possibility, be it creationism or aliens running an ant farm stocked with humans.
Not only do we respect other faiths, we urge our fellow Chians to sample all the major human ideologies. Knowledge of the human condition is paramount. Faith can be an interesting experiment, however, Chians do not practice blind acceptance of any faith, creed or statement of “fact”, even those found in the CHI.
No. Scientology teaches certain things as undeniable fact. The only thing a Chian knows for sure, is that he/she doesn’t actually “know” anything.
No, although the practices of the Discordian movement are often in line with some Chian principles. The Chian way teaches that nothing should be dismissed out of hand, and as such we believe the Discordians have as much to offer the race as any other practice.
For anything to be true, there would need to be a fundamental measurement of true versus false. In an infinite universe, no such measure can feasibly exist.
Day-to-day life would be very hard indeed, if we didn’t accept some things as fact. For example, it would be hard eating dinner without some belief that the food is actually on a plate in front of you. Chians are very aware of the constant Probabilty shifts around them, and learn to temporarily accept certain things as Probable, such as oncoming traffic, money and oxygen. However, this should never prohibit or hinder free thought and open discussion about the actual existence of any of these.
Reality is set of Probabilities abstracted from perception. Alter your perception, you alter reality. Humans alter reality in small ways on a daily basis. For example, if a human is fired from his job, often the events surrounding the firing will vary greatly from person to person, based upon their perception of the incident.
Humans tend to deny the exisitence of things they don’t like, maybe a homeless person vomiting on the street; for most passers-by the homeless man simply doesn’t exist, or exists only for a fraction of a second. For the one human who actually gets vomint on his shoes, the homeless man takes on a wholly new existence, or reality.
Do not confuse history with reality though, history is infinitely more malleable than the present.
Not really (pun intended). What is “real”? Basically, it is something the brain has decided to take onboard and store as a frame of reference, usually as memory, which will later be used to help form cognitive decisions. Therefore, anything a human decides to see, is real. However, humans can easily decide not to see some things. Douglas Adams termed this the Somebody Else’s Problem Field, modern scientists call it Inattentional Blindness, others call it simply Faith. Whatever the name, or justification, humans create their own reality, each one individual and different from the next – usually not by much – but different all the same.
Merriam Webster defines reality as “the quality or state of being real” and “something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily”. This embodies the Chian principle that reality exists only out of necessity, we (humans) need something to work with just so we can move about without bumping into each other all the time, and this reality is easily changed as those needs change.
Merriam Webster defines real as “of or relating to fixed, permanent, or immovable things”. Everyone knows that nothing is permanent, fixed or immovable. No-one can step forward and point to anything that isn’t moving. The monitor you’re reading this on is travelling at thousands of miles per hour. It will not last forever, and it is easily moved. Therefore, by human definition, not Chian definition it is not real. We’re not making this up, just pointing it out.
THOU SHALT OBEY THE THREE RULES THREE AND NO OTHER
THOU SHALT PARTAKE OF NO CHEESE BEFORE NOON
THOU SHALT ABHOR TOENAIL CLIPPERS
THOU SHALT OBSERVE THE WHOLLY DAY
THOU SHALT QUESTION THE RULES
RULE THE FIRST
Cheese is the holiest of foods. Few mortal men cannot fathom the mysteries of cheesemaking, and – as is proper – cheese has it’s own furniture and flatware. Cheese is the sacrament. Thous shalt partake of cheese whether tis the Caerphilly, the Stinky Bishop, or the Feta. All cheese are sacred, and should be consumed in a manner befitting. Therefore, the slathering of cheese on a crude sandwich before the noon hour is abhorrent and apostate. Respect the cheese, and it shall respect you.
RULE THE SECOND
Toenail clippers are an aberration and it is the solemn duty of all Chians to destroy toenail clippers wheresoever they find them. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD NOT CUT YOUR TOENAILS. Use a knife, or hire someone to nibble them to the desired length. Scissors are also an option.
THE CLICK OF THE TOENAIL CLIPPER IS A SIN.
RULE THE THIRD
The Wholly Day in the Chian life is not actually a whole day. The Chian Holy Day begins at sunset on Wednesday as measured on your nearest single star planet, and ends at sunrise on Thursday.
Due to concerns voiced by Chians living in binary systems, where this could actually last about four months, the modern Church has approved the observance of the Holy Day from 8PM Wednesday Universal Coordinated Time through 6AM Thursday.
The Vice Pope does not frown on such observance, although it is the wish of all true Chians to pass at least one four-month-long Wholly Day near the North or South Pole of a cheese-bearing planet once in their lives.
The purpose of the Wholly Day is to extract yourself from everyday life and replenish your Good Times Quotient. All Chians must live in a state of elevated Good Times, and failure to adequately measure and improve your GTQ could result in everlasting spiritual harm.
From sunset to sunrise the Chian should seek out like-minded individuals – other Chians – and forge Good Times alliances. This can be accomplished through the telling of jokes, the watching of bad films, the drinking of Brains Dark or the playing of video games. Nonsensical conversations are strongly encouraged, such as what colour the curtains would be in a universe devoid of photons.
Discussions based upon the Exegesis or the Divine Wisdom of the CHI are important, and can be the source of huge amounts of untapped Good Times.
During the Holy Day, Chians are exempted from all sociological customs and are encouraged to shout inconsistencies at passers-by.
Failure to observe the Holy Day will undoubtedly lead to a drastic reduction in one’s GTQ, and therefore the Church insists that Chians do not miss more than three Holy Days per calendar year. Doing so could rip massive holes in one or more of the available space/time continua.