[S]tranka / CKAPI

In the beginning was the Word,and the Word was “Arrrgh!” — PIRATICUS 13:7

Che First Day: Light
HEN THE FSM SAID, “Let there be light,” and there was
light. And the FSM adjusted his willowy eyestalks and saw
that the light was good; and the FSM divided the light
from the darkness. He called the light Day, and the darkness He called
Night or “Prime Time.” So the evening and the morning were the first
day.

Che Second Day: Che Firmament
The FSM was tired of flying and He couldn’t tread water for very long, so
he said, “Let there be firmament in the midst of the waters, and let the firmament
form coves to one day provide safe harbor for Pirates—no, wait,
firmament is a stupid word; let it be called land, since ‘firmament-ho!’
sounds even stupider than just plain firmament—and let this land divide
the waters from the waters. And let there be a volcano to spew forth beer,
which seems like a benevolent idea.” And the volcano spewed forth beer
and He tasted it and declared it to be quite good. So the evening and the
morning were the second day.

Che Chird Day: Land and Vegetation
When the FSM awoke, his thoughts were muddled and He didn’t
know where He was. Slightly hungover, and somewhere out in the Indian
Ocean, the FSM found himself a little confused about what He’d
created the day before; and so, self-conscious about the previous night’s
misbehavior, He started barking Godlike orders in an attempt to
reestablish His powerfulness, and then the FSM decided to organize.
He said, “Let the water under the heavens be gathered together in one
place, and let the dry land appear” (having forgotten about Day Two’s
firmament command), and He called the dry land Earth (having only
yesterday come up with the term Land), and the gathering together of
the waters He called Seas. And the FSM dried His Noodly Appendages
under the hot Light, and He saw that it was good but that there was a
little problem. For now He had an earth full of Land and Firmament,
which wouldn’t do. So he lifted Day Two’s firmament up to the heavens
and renamed it Heaven. The land from Day Three He left where it was.
Heaven seemed like the sweeter pad, and the FSM decided He’d live
there and commute to the earth. Then the FSM said, “Let the earth
bring forth grass, semolina, rice, and whatever else can be turned into
food that resembles my Noodly Appendages,” and He saw that this was
an original idea, which was certainly good. That night He drank a little
less from the Beer Volcano, which was relocated to Heaven along with
the rest of the firmament. So the evening and the morning were the
third day.

Che Fourth Day: the Sun, the Moon, the Stars
At this point, the FSM was a little sore from overexertion. It was difficult
for Him to find a comfortable resting position during the night,
which was darker than squid-ink pasta would eventually be. So He said,
“Let there be lights in the heavens, and let there be two lights: the
greater light to rule the day, and the lesser to rule the night.” And since
He had big plans for the next day, He turned in early. So the evening
and the morning were the fourth day.

Che Fifth Day: Che Big Bang
The fifth day was going to be huge, so the FSM rose early. Then He said,
“Let the waters abound, let the skies fill with birds, let the earth bring
forth creatures, each according to its kind. Then let them canoodle and
be fruitful.” And He saw that it was good, and He was feeling pretty
proud of Himself, so He hit the Beer Volcano hard that afternoon.
Later that evening He rolled out of bed and landed hard on the firmament,
and this, fair reader, was the true Big Bang. He had a funny
feeling and realized in His drunken stupor that He had not only built a
factory in Heaven that turned out scantily clad women in transparent
high heels, but He’d also created a midget on earth, whom He called
Man. And He said, “Wow. Even I might have overreached my Noodly
Appendage on this one,” and not even sure what day it was anymore, He
decided to take an extended break from the whole creation gig, and He
gave a quick blessing and declared, “From here on out, every Friday is a
holiday.”