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BWKB: Because Who Knows Better, obviously. Our Bureau of Warranted Knowledge Brokerage specializes in scientifically optimized relocation of totally legitimate cargo. Applicants must display confidence, questionable logic, and the ability to nod knowingly whenever someone says, ‘It’s a BWKB thing.

History Manifesto Charter

History

The Official History of BWKB

“History is written by the winners. BWKB’s history is written by whoever got to the keyboard first.”

Nobody remembers exactly when BWKB was founded. Official records place our creation in 2954, 2948, next Tuesday, and “before that one thing happened.” All dates are equally valid and equally incorrect.

The organization began when several highly qualified professionals accidentally agreed on the same terrible idea. The details remain classified, mostly because nobody wrote them down.

Core Principles

  • Be professional.
  • Never act professionally.
  • Follow the plan.
  • There is no plan.
  • Never leave a member behind.
  • If convenient, leave the Fall Guy behind.
  • Cargo is only “smuggled” if someone else catches you.

The Great Administrative Schism

According to ancient BWKB tradition, the organization split into two identical factions after a disagreement over whether burritos should be folded left or right. Both sides claimed victory. Both sides also forgot they were still in the same Discord server.

Following several emergency meetings, an investigation concluded that no investigation had taken place.

The Meaning of BWKB

Many outsiders ask what BWKB stands for.

The official answer is “obviously.”

Alternative interpretations have included:
  1. Bureau of Warranted Knowledge Brokerage
  2. Big Wizard Knife Brigade
  3. Bob Was Kinda Busy
  4. We are legally prohibited from discussing the fourth answer.

Members are expected to know the correct meaning without ever being told.

Modern Operations

Today, BWKB specializes in Creative Logistics™, Advanced Questionable Decision Making, and looking incredibly confident while winging it.

Every mission is declared a success unless proven otherwise. If proven otherwise, it becomes a “training exercise.”

The Lieutenant Wizard Admiral remains in command, the Chief of Kief maintains operational equilibrium, Marketing insists this is definitely not an MLM, and the Propagandist assures everyone that morale has never been higher.

It’s a BWKB thing.

Manifesto

The BWKB Manifesto

“The mission of BWKB is clear, well-defined, and strictly confidential.”

BWKB exists because it must. Whether it actually should remains under continuous review by a committee that has never successfully convened.

We believe every problem has a solution, every solution creates a larger problem, and every larger problem can be delegated.

Our Guiding Principles

  • Always have a plan.
  • Never become emotionally attached to the plan.
  • If the plan succeeds, deny responsibility.
  • If the plan fails, insist it was Phase One.
  • Maintain operational secrecy.
  • Loudly announce operational secrecy.

We reject unnecessary bureaucracy by establishing only the amount of bureaucracy absolutely necessary to justify additional bureaucracy.

Our Objectives

  1. Acquire resources.
  2. Protect resources.
  3. Redistribute resources.
  4. Determine whether they were ever our resources.
  5. Repeat until someone important looks concerned.

Our long-term goal is the successful completion of The Objective.

The Objective will be announced immediately after it has already been completed.

Until then, members are encouraged to proceed confidently in approximately the correct direction.

Membership Expectations

Members shall remain calm under pressure, composed during disaster, and mildly enthusiastic during paperwork.

Questions are encouraged, provided they are rhetorical.

Suggestions are welcomed, documented, misplaced, rediscovered, debated, approved, forgotten, and ultimately blamed on the Fall Guy.

Disagreements shall be settled according to BWKB Regulation 14b, which does not exist.

Philosophy

We do not seek glory.

We will absolutely accept glory if it is unattended.

We do not chase profit.

Profit occasionally struggles to escape us.

We are neither heroes nor villains.

We are simply present.

Usually.

Remember: If you understand BWKB, you’ve misunderstood BWKB.

Charter

The BWKB Charter

“This Charter shall remain in effect until repealed, replaced, forgotten, contradicted, misplaced, or Tuesday.”

This document constitutes the complete, official, provisional, temporary, permanent, and entirely non-binding legal framework governing BWKB. By reading any portion of this Charter, intentionally or otherwise, the reader acknowledges, denies, and reserves the right to contest all provisions herein.

Article I — Definitions

For the purposes of this Charter:

  • “Member” shall refer to any person currently, formerly, or potentially associated with BWKB.
  • “Non-Member” shall include Members under administrative review.
  • “Property” shall include anything not currently nailed down.
  • “Nailed down” shall not be considered legally significant.
  • “Reasonable” shall mean whatever sounds convincing at the time.
  • “Immediately” shall mean between now and eventually.
  • “Emergency” shall mean any event requiring paperwork.

Any undefined term shall be interpreted according to Common Sense, which BWKB does not recognize.

Article II — Membership

  1. Membership is voluntary.
  2. Continued membership is mandatory.
  3. Members may resign.
  4. Resignations require unanimous approval from everyone who has ever been a member.
  5. Retroactive objections are permitted.
Applicants shall provide:
  • Three references from people who have never met them.
  • A written apology addressed “To Whom It May Concern.”

Failure to submit documentation shall not delay processing unless paperwork is involved.

Article III — Authority

The organizational chain of command is as follows:

  1. Lieutenant Wizard Admiral
  2. Whoever seems confident.
  3. The Chief of Kief.
  4. The person holding the map.
  5. Majority vote.
  6. Rock-paper-scissors.
  7. Coin flip.
  8. The nearest duck.
  9. The Fall Guy.

Authority may not be questioned.

Questions regarding Authority are permitted.

Answers are optional.

Article IV — Conduct

Members shall:

  • Conduct themselves professionally.
  • Never appear professional.
  • Maintain operational secrecy.
  • Constantly hint at operational secrecy.
  • Never panic.
  • Panic quietly.
  • Remain hydrated.
  • Hydration shall not exceed tactical limits.

Running away shall only be referred to as Strategic Reverse Advancement.

Friendly fire shall be considered unfriendly.

Article V — Meetings

Meetings shall begin exactly on time.

Time shall be determined by whichever clock appears most confident.

Attendance is mandatory.

Absence is also mandatory.

Members speaking out of turn shall immediately yield the floor.

Members speaking in turn shall explain themselves.

No explanation shall exceed 45 minutes unless necessary.

Every meeting shall conclude with:
  • No decisions.
  • Three action items.
  • Five new committees.
  • One unresolved philosophical debate.

Article VI — Logistics

Cargo is sacred.

Cargo is expendable.

If cargo disappears, members shall complete Form BWKB-L42.

Form BWKB-L42 has been replaced by Form BWKB-L43.

Form BWKB-L43 was never approved.

Any crate not positively identified shall be classified as “Probably Important.”

Members discovering unattended cargo must ask:

“Has anyone legally misplaced this?”

Waiting for an answer is optional.

Article VII — Financial Matters

BWKB does not pursue profit.

Profit occasionally pursues BWKB.

Any credits discovered lying unattended for more than five seconds shall enter Administrative Protective Custody.

Budget meetings shall continue until everyone agrees or disconnects.

Article VIII — Promotions

Promotion shall be determined according to:

  1. Merit
  2. Attendance
  3. Heroic incompetence
  4. Seniority
  5. Number of cool screenshots
  6. Ability to explain nothing confidently
  7. Orbital alignment
  8. Dice
  9. Vibes

All promotions are permanent until changed.

Demotions shall be described as “career recalibration.”

Article IX — Liability

BWKB accepts no responsibility for:

  • Lost ships.
  • Lost cargo.
  • Lost tempers.
  • Lost evidence.
  • Lost paperwork.
  • Lost causes.
  • Existing causes.
  • Future causes.
  • Causality itself.

Should reality fail to behave as expected, members shall submit a bug report to the universe.

Article X — The Fall Guy

The Fall Guy shall assume legal, moral, historical, meteorological, financial, spiritual, quantum, culinary, and emotional responsibility for all events occurring before, during, after, adjacent to, or merely resembling BWKB operations.

Should multiple Fall Guys exist simultaneously, blame shall be distributed alphabetically.

Article XI — BWKB

Every member shall know what BWKB stands for.

Members shall never reveal what BWKB stands for.

Members shall immediately correct anyone stating an incorrect definition.

There is no correct definition.

Every definition is equally official.

No definition has ever been approved.

Anyone asking what BWKB means shall receive a different answer every time.

Failure to provide a contradictory answer constitutes gross misconduct.

Article XII — Amendments

This Charter may be amended only by:

  • A unanimous vote.
  • A simple majority.
  • Executive decree.
  • Clerical error.
  • Accident.
  • Destiny.
  • The Lieutenant Wizard Admiral saying, “Eh, sure.”

All amendments shall take effect retroactively unless they don’t.

Final Provision

In the event that any provision of this Charter is found to be logical, enforceable, internally consistent, or beneficial to organizational efficiency, said provision shall be considered a drafting error and immediately replaced with a more confusing version.

By continuing to read this document you acknowledge that you have not read this document.