O, Holy Viscera
please accept this chosen one
as our humble offering
in gratitude for your guiding light
Through Viscera’s divine guidance, our leader has revealed our Manifesto and Charter.
There appears to be an unfortunate misunderstanding amongst some members of the public regarding our organisation.
While it is true that the Church of the Holy Viscera has been accused of involvement in the slave trade, let me assure you that the purpose of our Church is to worship and serve the needs of Viscera, and through Her to serve the greater good.
As part of our activities we help to clear the space lanes of dangerous obstacles, and at times that does include escape pods.
Relations have been established with the magnificent warriors who plan to liberate a Bengal Carrier.
Our Chamberlain exhorted our friends in Spider to unite in common cause:
After visiting Redd Faction, our Chamberlain has declared that his favourite colour is Periwinkle.
Prospect Mine was sent into the hangar to clear away the empty pods, and perform a stock take, duties which he performed diligently.
The result of his tally:
1 x DRAKE INTERPLANETARY CATERPILLAR – LTI
1 x CUTLASS
1 x AVENGER
1 x AURORA LN
Our Chamberlain reminds worshippers not to react to the constant harassment the Church has been subjected to at the hands of the Advocacy. Religious persecution is an ugly thing, but the best response is to hold faith and continue our ceremonies while maintaining a low profile.
Our Chamberlain wishes to make it known that he will accept interview requests from approved news agencies. Requests should be addressed to him directly. He regrets to add that interviews with Hermodr are not currently possible.
It has come to our attention that some of the Chosen Ones have exhibited poor bowel control in moments of high stress. In fact, they have evacuated more than their ships. This has caused a degree of eye watering consternation when opening pods, and is no doubt even less pleasant for the occupants. We would appeal to pilots to show some consideration for our poor junior Acolytes in future and wear more appropriate disposable underwear. Thank you.
Please note that the Church of the Holy Viscera will be closed on 2944-03-01 to celebrate Viscera Day. As per tradition, our Acolytes re-enact the casting of Viscera from Niflheim by catapaulting a Chosen One from the hangar into space. After a brief delay, Acolytes race to their ships and try to catch the Chosen One. The winner receives a mystery prize.
Our business partner PodTastic in Spider has been awarded our second highest honour: Friend of Hermodr.
This grants the owner of PodTastic free access to our facilities, as well as discounted fuel from our private supply.
All ships approaching our asteroid base must recite a pass phrase.
It is important to get this phrase right. Really important.
Kudos to our newest recruit for removing the debris cloud that was forming around our asteroid base.
On another topic, visitors are reminded that it is extremely important to get our pass phrase right.
Approval in principle has been given for the purchase of a MISC Hull C at the next available opportunity.
It is anticipated that the vessel will satisfy our requirements for the discreet transport of chosen ones to undisclosed purchasers.
The Church of the Holy Viscera wishes to announce that in due course we will be accepting as members anyone who is also a member of a recognised* pirate group. Members will have access to discount fuel and other benefits. (*Recognised pirate groups yet to be determined.)
The Church of the Holy Viscera is willing to purchase escape pods*. In exchange for managing the sale of your unwanted pods for a full year, the Church requires only the donation of your first pod, and a small percentage of the sale price of each subsequent pod. Something to consider.
(*Subject to inspection.)
Our esteemed leader has lost his flo-pet. The entire staff (i.e. me) have spent the last five days looking for it. Revolting little thing. Hopefully it’s gone back to Xis where it came from.
Our Chamberlain has announced plans to extend our asteroid base to include a museum of escape pods. Grandiose plans that do nothing to address the problem of his escaped flo-pet that has been stealing kitchen supplies and generally making my life hell. Last night I discovered that it had left a steaming dump on my bed.
Almost! I almost caught the little flo-rat. It is using the ventilation shafts. I have left a tempting pile of pet food on my table, and I’m going to hide here in the closet all night if I have to with my laser pistol at the ready. I will not take my eyes off it.
It’s been a week. I finally managed to contort myself enough to reach my mobiglas, so I could make this entry. Probably my last. Merciless saw me shooting his flo-pet and has locked me in here to die slowly. Tell snuffles I love her.
There isn’t much time. I can feel myself fading fast. There is something I need to reveal about the Church of the Holy Viscera, something that will cause a huge reaction from the Advocacy. I need to hurry because the battery is f
Merciless here. A vacancy has opened up in one of our much sought after and highly valued community interface positions. Applicants must be familiar with mobiscript and have prior experience in public relations. A fondness for pets will be highly regarded. Some additional duties will be required, including the periodic removal of surplus inventory from cupboards, storage containers, barrels and other assorted receptacles.
Merciless again. It has begun. People are being disappeared (no, I’m not referring to my insignificant quislings – I mean real people). Communications channels are being shut down. We live in oppressive times.
Merciless here. The smell emanating from various cupboards, storage containers, barrels and other assorted receptacles has become quite noticeable. A veritable olfactory symphony of death. Much as I enjoy it however, it is unsanitary, so I urge readers to consider applying for our current vacancy (see above). Rest assured that the current unsanitary situation will not be repeated, and future disposal methods will be more hygienic (and entertaining).
Gaius Baltar has been invited to participate in the re-enactment of the casting of Viscera from Niflheim by forcefully colliding his ship with one of our pods. As mentioned earlier in this History the celebration takes place every year on Viscera Day (1st March).
Members are reminded (as if that was necessary!) that April 25 marks the celebration of FUNZAC (Full Unlimited Nudity, Zero Alcohol Cost). The bar will be open all day at the Church of the Holy Viscera. All drinks are on the house! As usual, our sister organisation the Nuns of Siduri have accepted our invitation to attend. Remember, what happens at FUNZAC stays at FUNZAC.
Our Chamberlain wishes it to be known that our well respected and valuable member Frank from now on wishes to be known as Francine.
Hired a new robotic assistant. Says he recently escaped from a world called Disney, wherever that is. Name is C-3PO. Completely useless.
Our Chamberlain has ordered me to dream up a kick-ass recruitment campaign. If it works I get to live.
Latest additions to our history:
Merciless here. Although I clearly ordered one of my quislings to create a kick-ass recruitment campaign, he failed to deliver. He is no longer with us. His belongings will be raffled off during Friday’s kegathon.
Merciless here. Today I ordered the conversion of Hangar C into a new wing for my Museum of Blood Spatter Patterns, in anticipation of many new entries resulting from our upcoming participation in Operation Pitchfork.
Merciless here. In order to cheer up my minions I have deducted 10% from each of their pay packet in order to commission a giant portrait of myself to hang near the main entrance as an inspiration to them all.
Merciless here. It would appear that some of my minions are unable to afford the perfectly reasonable 10% deduction that I announced, so as an expression of goodwill I am allowing them to contribute 10% of their body mass instead.
Merciless here. For some inexplicable reason the morale of my minions has not increased, despite the promise of a giant portrait of myself hanging near the main entrance for inspiration. Apparently they would rather play a new game called “Arena Commander”, so I have ordered that instead.
Hopefully it will improve their combat skills.
Merciless here. Associations have been formed with like minded groups. Plans are coming along nicely.
Merciless here. Offerings have declined. Viscera demands more pods. Direct action is required.
Merciless here. Arena Commander has arrived, and simulation training has commenced. As an added incentive, whoever comes last will get the job of cleaning all the ship toilets.
After weeks of constant practice, the team has perfected their combat techniques in Arena Commander. They are now almost competent at defeating pretend Vanduul ships that fly on autopilot. Next week I’m hoping to teach them how to tie their own shoelaces.
Merciless here. In honour of our friendly relationship with the Church of the Highly Improbable, I have commissioned a statue of myself made entirely of Vanduul cheese. I intend to present it to them on completion. I trust they will appreciate the effort involved. Have you ever tried to milk a Vanduul?
Merciless here. Wow! What a vacation! It had been far too long since I last visited Spider, and boy was I in for a treat. The lovely ladies at Dark Delights knew exactly what I wanted, and exceeded my expectations. I was happy to pay them with a selection of my finest slaves, already broken in. I’ll definitely go back there next time I’m in the area.
The latest sales brochures from the various ship manufacturers have started to arrive. First up is “The Reclaimer” from Aegis. That thing looks beautiful. Reminds me of my mother when she was sober. Why just take the escape pod when you can munch on the whole ship? Merciless is intrigued by the possibilities.
Next up is the 890 JUMP. Hmmm. I see their boat bay has huge floor doors that can result in instant decompression. I could turn it into a dance floor and invite guests.
Truly, it’s a wonderful life.
Can it be? Drake has at last provided me with the perfect vehicle for transporting candidates for permanent unpaid service. The bribes have finally paid off!
Today the crew celebrates Gankstaking Day, where we attack a passenger liner at random and dress all the passengers as turkeys, while our crew takes turns at trying to shoot them blindfolded. I anticipate much fun will be had by all (except the turkeys).
Today our Gankstaking Day celebrations culminated in the ever popular “launch a slave off the flight deck” game. This year the catapult was operated by lefty, who appreciated the chance to contribute after his unfortunate accident feeding my pet. We tried something different this time, and lent the slave a space suit. Broadcasting his screams of terror through the public address system added an element of drama that really added something to the event. It took 7 minutes before one of the drunken crew managed to hit the slave with his sidearm. Well done Blacktooth!
Such a busy time of year. It has been a month since my last post! We are still recovering from our celebration of Chrismassacre, named after the most famous exploit of the Dread Pirate Roberts (may his outrageous actions continue to guide us and provide us with inspiration).
Great! Now we’re under quarantine. My stupid deputy decided to sneak into the Infectious Diseases Centre to steal some equipment, and was spotted and chased. Instead of fighting to the death like a normal minion, he decided to hightail it out of there and head to Cassel. Trouble is he managed to pick up Lynch Fever when he was skulking about in the IDC, and now everything is under quarantine. Naturally I’ve put out a contract on his sorry hide.
The Church of the Holy Viscera is community minded organisation. Amongst other notable activities the Church performs a public service by accepting escape pods that responsible pilots have thoughtfully removed from busy shipping lanes. These selfless pilots do this in a selfless effort to prevent unfortunate collisions, and we reward these civic minded individuals by granting them the majority of any profits that we obtain from disposal of these pods and any contents they may happen to contain.
To worship the Holy Viscera and serve the greater good in Her name.
The Church of the Holy Viscera is open to all, requiring only the donation of a single escape pod*.
Members who also belong to organisations with which the Church has formal agreements will be granted special status accordingly.
Membership grants access to our asteroid base, cheap fuel and bingo on Thursdays.
Members of the Church of the Holy Viscera shall not publicly discuss the Church of the Holy Viscera.
Members of the Church of the Holy Viscera shall seek to keep the busy shipping lanes clear of carelessly ejected escape pods by bringing them to our Church where they can be suitably (and profitably) disposed of.
Each member shall receive a majority percentage of any payments received from the disposal of any pods that they bring to the Church.