5 members
Church of Crunch / CPNCRUNCH
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Smuggling
Fair Use/Copyright Disclaimer
This page is fan-based and satirical.
Cap’n Crunch™ Cereal is owned by Quaker Oats® and PepsiCo®
Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act of 1976, allowance is made for “fair use” for purposes such as criticism, comment, education, and research.
See below for content.
History
In the beginning, there was darkness.
Then, there was the crunch. Captain rose out of the infinite abyss of the universe, and granted us life, love, and crunch.
The world rose, took on many false idols, none so glorious as our captain, and in that time, our captain showed us the path of true righteousness.
The path of the crunch. He intended each and every Crunchling walk this path, for it was made by Him, in His image, and only those blessed may partake in the infinite pleasure known as Crunchalla. The Captain grants his faithful the gift of eternal life in the name of the crunch. He grants the crunch to the weak, the weary, and the poor.
We are left with the knowledge of a single prayer. “Crunchatize me, Cap’n.”
It is encouraged to give alms in the form of Captain Crunch™ cereal and bless those with a spot of Captain Crumb milk on their forehead.
In recent years, the Captain has ordained that we Crunchlings, infinite in number and potential, that we rise again, strike the corporations, and usher in a new age of Captain-branded piracy and teach the common crunchling the new faith of the crunch.
This is our genesis.
Manifesto
The 10 Crunchmandments are our guidelines, and our mission is simple. We plan to infiltrate the proletariat society that lives under the ruling corporations and systematically free ourselves. This is the will of the Captain. They are infidels. They do not follow our Lord and Liege, in all His righteousness, the Captain.
We view law as a moral guideline, as neither necessary nor intrinsically good, as it can be used to leverage the average Crunchling into a position of submission and dominate their every desire. This is the Captain’s right, and His alone. We work towards the good of His cause, and no other.
He currently ordains the growth, development, and spread of an experimental form of SLAM nicknamed “Crunch” as our Holy Missive.
Charter
The 10 Crunchmandments are our guide to revel in His glory.
The 10 Crunchmandments are as follows:
1) Thou shalt not crunch unjustly
2) Thou shalt enjoy the crunch, and only the crunch.
3) Thou shalt not crunchdemn thy neighbor
4) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s crunch
5) Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor’s crunch
6) Thou shalt not say thy Captain’s name in vain
7) Thou shalt not take thy Captain’s image
8) Remember the Sabbath day and keep it crunchy
9) Honor thy Captain and Crunch
10) Thou shalt not consume false crunches.
Take these with a sense of pride, knowing that you are the embodiment of all that is good and Crunchy.
You set the standard for how the public eye perceives Him. Do not shame the Captain.