5 members
Drunken Battalion / DBATT
-
Freelancing -
Smuggling
We’re the Drunken Battalion. We’ve got smuggling down to an art, assuming that art involves a lot of spilled liquor, poorly drawn maps, and zero regard for local law enforcement.
History
The Drunken Battalion began as nothing more than a group of eccentric individuals who couldn’t hold down regular jobs because they had the unfortunate habit of outright ignoring the law. In their early days they were known as the Rogue Narwhals. A motley crew of misfits who couldn’t keep a job, a plan, or their balance. But as they honed their skills of smuggling and freelancing they became legends in their own right, mostly for the chaos they stirred up and the alcohol that fueled it. But their true rise to fame came with the mysterious arrival of Steer, a god of chaos and very questionable decision-making. Steer doesn’t appear often. In fact, he shows up once every five disasters like some divine punch card. His presence is always announced by a random storm, a sudden influx of suspiciously strong liquor, and a brief period where all the laws of physics seem to stop working for just a moment.
No one knows exactly what Steer wants, but every time he pops in, it’s to “bless” the Battalion with something unexpected. Maybe it’s a ridiculously lucky escape from a burning building. Maybe it’s an entire cargo ship filled with contraband just falling into their laps. Whatever it is, it always leads to more chaos, more drinks, and inevitably, another disaster.
The Battalion lives for these moments. They don’t worship Steer, but they sure do enjoy his chaotic gifts, using them to up the stakes, break more laws (within reason), and create even bigger disasters for themselves to escape. Steer? He’s just there for the show—and to keep things “interesting” when they need a little divine help. After all, who else could bless them with an entirely legal loophole for every job?
And so, the Battalion continues, smuggling, freelancing, and getting a little too cozy with disaster, always waiting for Steer’s next “punch card stamp” to see what divine chaos comes next.
Manifesto
Welcome to the Drunken Battalion. An elite squad of freelancers, smuggling specialists, and professional law-benders. Why break the law when you can gently nudge it into a corner, buy it a few drinks, and get it to do whatever you want? We don’t just nudge boundaries, we push them with a cocktail in one hand, a cigar in the other, and a list of legal loopholes longer than our last bar tab. Need something delivered? Don’t worry, we won’t ask questions. In fact, we’re so good at avoiding questions, we’ll forget what we were delivering by the time we get there. Call the Battalion! We’ll get the job done as long as it’s a little sketchy, a touch suspicious, and doesn’t technically violate the Geneva Convention.
The Drunken Battalion: because who needs rules when you have the combined wisdom of half a bottle of rum, just enough “I’m pretty sure this is fine” confidence, and the kind of charisma that can talk its way out of anything, except for maybe paying for drinks.
(PS: If you hear sirens, don’t worry. They’re probably just admiring our work. That or party threatened to kill himself on open comms again)
Charter
The Drunken Battalion’s 10 Laws of Chaos:
1. Never Break the Law—Just Stretch It: If you can bend it, twist it, bop it, flip it, or make it look like a very convincing accident, then it’s fair game. But don’t actually break it. That’s a rookie move.
2. Always Have an Alibi, Even If It’s Made Up on the Spot: If you’re caught in a jam, just tell them you were at a totally different bar at the time. Bonus points if you’ve got a friend who “saw you” there. Preferably one who’s also not sober enough to remember.
3. Liquor Before Logistics: If you’re sober enough to have a plan, you’re probably not doing it right. The best ideas come after at least one round, two shots, and a solid discussion about how “nothing can go wrong.”
4. Plausible Deniability is Your Best Friend: If you can’t deny it, just make sure you definitely didn’t see it happen. It’s called selective memory. Works every time.
5. Never Deliver a Package Sober. Or At All if Possible: The more blurry your memory of the delivery, the better. If you can’t remember where you dropped it, neither can they!
6. Questions Are for the Weak: Need an explanation for your actions? Too bad. You don’t ask questions in the Battalion, you just do. If someone else asks questions, distract them with a drink and a vague story about your “previous mission.”
7. The Laws of Physics Are Optional: If something’s not technically possible, that’s just an opportunity to invent a new way to get it done. If a wall’s in your way, find a way around it, under it, or through it, but definitely not over it. That’s too much effort.
8. Chaos Before Coffee: Why waste time planning when you can just wing it and see what happens? Coffee is for people who have control over their lives. You know what’s more fun than planning? Chaos. Chaos is always more fun.
9. If It’s Illegal, Make Sure No One’s Watching: We don’t break the law, we simply perform creative, slightly illicit activities when no one’s around to judge. If the authorities show up, just loudly shout, “This is a free country!” and disappear into the nearest shadow.
10. Don’t Drink and Drive… Unless It’s A Very Important Delivery: The line between “driving” and “careening wildly” is as thin as your tolerance after three shots. But hey, if you’re on a mission, you’re on a mission. Just make sure it’s a really important one.
Now, go forth, break absolutely nothing officially, and remember—there are no mistakes, just “unexpected detours.”
Also dont be a dick robin.