Dark Star Salvage and Defense / DSSD

ON WRITING YOUR MANIFESTO>>>

So, you woke up this morning and decided that it was time to listen to the nagging voice(s) in your head and take the next step on your insane trip to Looneyville by writing your manifesto. Good for you! I applaud this decision not only because I find the lunatic rantings of the certifiably cuckoo to be highly entertaining, but also because while you are engaged in scribbling your inane epistle, I do not have to worry about tripping over your bat-shit crazy ass in public. If you are going to invest the time in a literary undertaking of this sort, though, it is important that you do it right. After all, even a deranged and imbecilic person’s opus should follow some set format. Wouldn’t want people to think you were stupid as well as crazy, would you? So, here are some pointers on how to make your public airing of your personal (and, quite likely, imaginary) demons more enjoyable for your readers.

You must understand from the outset, however, that there will only ever be four kinds of people who even take time to read your deluded scrawling: psychiatric professionals (who study your whacky ilk for a living), reporters of the various media (who will be looking for a quote from your writings— after the inevitable hostage taking at the I-Hop goes horribly awry— in order to turn the spotlight on themselves), the random crazy-ass who is looking for another crazy-ass to give their idiotic life some semblance of meaning, and folk like me (who find amusement in the babbling of the mad). For the purpose of this essay, we will ignore the medicos and the media buzzards because, frankly, I do not give a gibbering monkey’s fanny about what they think. We will also disregard the third group— the slack-jawed, addle-pated, dim-witted, funny-farming fringe element— since, let’s face it, they are clearly idiots by dint of giving your whacko ideas any degree of credence and, therefore, not worthy of the time wasted on them. They are, you know, lunatics who are only going to actually read and remember the parts which are in synch with their own derangements. Our focus here will be on your most important reader: me. In the end, it is all about me.

This is, of course, the way it should be.

That being said, I offer these few modest tips to the would-be manifesto writer in the hope that they my guide you to craft a manuscript worthy of my time.

1. Pick a psychosis and stick with it. We have already established that, by virtue of the act of sharing your misguided, crack-pot ideas in writing that you are a loony, so don’t over do it with the crazy shit. It can be very off-putting. Hopping from a display of one set of nut-job symptoms to another muddles up the text unnecessarily. Be consistent in your lunacy. I understand that paranoid schizophrenia is quite popular with the kids these days. Why not try that?
2. Be creative in your choice of who the “enemy” is. Your work will not be a true manifesto if it does not single out some group, individual or entity as the party guilty of ruining your life, keeping you down, attempting to take over the country/world/I-Hop, conducting bizarre organ swapping experiments on penguins and evangelicals, transmitting mind-control beams at your foil covered noggin, taking your job, etc., but try to be a bit inventive. You are nuts, so this should not be hard. The government and space aliens have been done to death. The Jews and the Blacks have also been fairly played out. Satan, Jesus or any other religious figure are over used, too. Keep it fresh and pick some one/thing unexpected. I suggest the Amish. Those people have got to be up to something. Sneaky, funny hat wearing folk, the Amish.
3. We don’t really care about how you plan to “solve” the problem. Though this part of the rant can be as amusing as the rest, it is only important for use during the inevitable sanity hearing. Stop giving other lunatics ideas for crying out loud!
4. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, proper narrative form or any of the conventions and expectations of real writing. Your target audience are barely literate numb-skulls and mental defectives who do not particularly care for nor understand the niceties of the English language. They will be more impressed by your gibberish if it feels like something they could write. As for me, I prefer the challenge of deciphering crazy-code. The less literate your ramblings, the more fun for me.
5. Keep logic and reason out of it. That does not mean that you can’t attempt, in your own psychotic way, to explain and justify your derangement, only that you will ruin things if those explanations and justifications make even the slightest sense. Bring on the crazy! Leave logic for those of us who are laughing at you. And, we are laughing. At least, until the bomb goes off.
6. Include plenty of doodles in the margins (the less connected to the text, the better). Because I just like doodles.
7. Do not edit your work. Ever. Takes all the fun out of it.
8. Make sure that, half way through your manifesto, you completely lose track of whatever whack-a-do point you began with and branch off into weird and unexpected territory. Nothing should ever prove anything, nor should one point lead directly to another. The more babbly branches you wander off on, the more entertaining. Try for the WTF? Factor. No one is expecting the thing to make sense due to the fact that it is being written by a certifiable head-case. You have a reputation to uphold—don’t let us down.
9. Keep it short. I enjoy small doses of crazy but, after a while, you people make my ass tired.
10. Sign your work. That way, we know who to come looking for when it comes time to put you in the booby-hatchery where you belong. We might be amused, but we ain’t crazy. That is your job, and you do it so well.
By following these few helpful hints, you are sure to make the writing of your manifesto an enjoyable process for yourself and your readers. Why waste all that crazy? Put it all down on paper so that the rest of us (me) can get a little peek into the inner workings of what passes for your mind, you crazy bastard. Now, get the hell off of the streets and start your scribbling! (Brown crayon optional).

OPERATIONAL POLICIES MISSING
ETA : TBD