The Goonrathi fleet was founded by communal blood pact on the thirteenth of May, Nineteen Seventy-Eight, at The Spectrum, Philadelphia, PA. In one terrible blinkered moment, stars aligned, irises widened, and the truth was plain to see. Also they got to the good part of Terrapin. Since then, it has been nothing but sunshine and roses, with occasional stopoffs for coffee and pornography. And, of course, lies.
An abridged timeline follows –
1978: The initial drafts of the Code of Interstellar Funksmanship are composed by the Signatories (all of whom are only identified by codename.)
1979: The first edition of the infamous Trial of Walter is developed during a meeting outside the Carvel shop in Lindenhurst, Long Island, NY. The first five applicants all fail, leading some outside the organization to suspect that the Trial is rigged.
1983: With Goonrathi’s investments in video games tanking and investments in home video pornography skyrocketing, the firm breaks even at the end of a financially volatile year.
1986: After the marginal success of Captain Midnight’s transmission in protest of HBO’s rate increases, Goonrathi prepares a similar broadcast to protest Margaret Thatcher’s continued existence. After it is discovered that the funding had been appropriated for the purchase of several cases of Abba-Zaba bars and a copy of the film The Sword and the Sorcerer, the plan is abandoned.
1989: In a series of daring midnight raids, Goonrathi agents uncover the secret of the 11th herb and prevent this information from falling into the hands of rogue Securitate agents. Had the 11th herb been integrated into a tactical paprikash system, the results would have been catastrophic.
1994: Goonrathi special operatives successfully deliver a Townes Van Zandt record and a pizza to Commander’s Ranch. No-one is precisely sure why we were asked to, but dammit, we did it anyway. In a Subaru Brat, no less.
1998: The final original signatory leaves the service. Reorganization places a group alternately known as The Council or The Zodiac (or, if you’re one of those jerks who thinks Warhammer jokes are still funny, The Consularis) in charge of day-to-day Goonrathi operations.
2000: The first Goonrathi studies are done on the effects of Internet exposure and their role in degraded mental function.
2002: British Goonrathi operatives seeking to tip the balance of power in the Ashes (by means of an exploding bail) encounter Australian Goonrathi operatives seeking to tip the balance of power in their own direction (by means of a pair of exploding shin guards). The whole thing is called off.
2004: In a series of daring mid-afternoon raids, Goonrathi requisition agents are able to correct the damage done by cartridge hoarders and make copies of Earthbound briefly affordable to the common gamer. Unfortunately, price speculators quickly pushed the market price through the roof again.
2007: Tragedy strikes when a Goonrathi scientist seeking to build a working model of the flying motorcycle from the film Megaforce  dies in a lab explosion just outside of Leicester, England, UK.
2009: Goonrathi subsidiary EvilCo releases a statement backing Infernus in the then-ongoing Gorgorath name dispute, then returns to doing absolutely nothing, since idle hands apparently do the devil’s work all on their own.
2012: By mistake, six truckloads of angrily squawking birds are delivered to a Goonrathi facility. The call rapidly comes down from The Council – “We can use this.” Goonrathi scientists detect a distinct uptick in irritation in rival organizations. Bonuses all around.
2013: In a daring that-lull-just-after-supper-when-Wheel-of-Fortune-comes-on raid, a Goonrathi agent known only by the codename Goku Kerensky delays a cabal of furious Vancouverites, allowing embedded Goonrathi operatives to escape. Sadly, Kerensky passed beyond the Periphery in the course of the operation.
January 20th, 2014: Organization module released. Yay.
March 10th, 2014: At the behest of Christ Roberts Himself, the Goonrathi are drawn into a conflict with the Terran Confederation to fulfill the Prophecy known as “Ten for the Chairman.” The Terran Confederation immediately surrenders before hostilities can ensue.
March 12th, 2014: The GREAT FORUM WAR begins between FLJK Goonrathi and REI when REI’s leader, Alan Bexter (as he then was), is affronted by comparisons of his character to a similarly sounding character from a popular science fiction series. Community agrees that Al Bester is the best Al around.
March 22nd, 2014: Angered by a guerilla attack by FLJK Very Special Forces led by Elite Tier Operator Coda, Alan Bexter (as he then was) chooses the NUCLEAR OPTION and PMs literally everyone in Goonrathi. All 300 people. Plus moderators. Yes, you can do that. This backfires and Bexter is put on probation. REI declares victory.
May 5, 2014: DECIMATION DAY. FLJK, incensed that a member of their group is put on probation for defending herself from personal attacks, erupts into a storm of critical posting. The moderators fight back, and fully 1 in every 10 goons is banned for violating Most Holy Rule 7 and Most Holier Rule 10. REI declares victory.
June 4, 2014: Arena Commander is released. In the first twelve hours 33,813 people play with themselves.
June 13, 2014: For the first time, a Goon successfully kills someone other than themselves. Big Fish is heralded as a hero. Or competent. Same thing really. Meanwhile Iridium gets wasted and runs the first Slosh Op. It goes about as well as you would expect.
September 12, 2014: Two Weeks™ after GamesCom, Goons manage to play together for the first time thanks to the release of Version 0.9 and ten digit alphanumeric “friend” codes. Beer4TheBeerGod proves to be the least terrible and wins the match, which is kind of like being the smartest of the special needs kids.
October 4, 2014: The GREAT FORUM WAR between REI and FLJK ends after Couger formally apologizes for REI’s actions with regards to doxing Coda and engaging in a flag campaign to encourage the mods to remove Goons from the Brown Sea. FLJK graciously accepts. CIG is now forced to use the written rules when banning people.
We provide Internet Spaceships and Internet Spaceship Services at competitive prices to help YOU get ahead in the competitive world of Internet Space!
No fuss, no gimmicks, we’re here to help you get what you want out of life. We believe in inspiring the next generation of Internet Spaceship pilots to greater metaphorical heights (because height is irrelevant in a null-g zone.) We are committed to driving forward daily. We believe in our mission and we stand by our actions.
Honest generosity and big ideas bring more to the table than narrow-minded exclusionism. Over the next few years, you can have a front-row seat to how big our ideas can be.
Internet Spaceship games are a seriously casual business. They require thought and strategy, skill and luck. And high-powered mind-altering substances not seen on this earth since days of yore. But the players of Internet Spaceship games haven’t taken their casualness seriously enough. Until now. Now the Goonrathi do Internet Spaceships right. Expect the Unexpected.
Goonrathi: Providing Internet Spaceships and Internet Spaceship Services since 1978
Excerpts from the 2013-14 edition of The Abridged Goonrathi Code of Interstellar Funksmanship, original 1978.
All pilots will be expected to operate within the Code of Funksmanship at all times. We got to make it funky. Also, you need different pairs of socks, sometimes you need the colored socks.
Show up if you want to have a good time.
All applicants are sworn never to reveal the Wu-Tang secret.
Depending on an arcane ritual involving a deck of cards, a spinning top and a magic eight-ball, any one of five distinct persons within the organization operates as the de facto chairperson. They are given a ham sandwich or sent funds to purchase a ham sandwich via Paypal (persons who cannot eat ham for various reasons are allowed to purchase an alternate sandwich) and then run fleet operations. This process is repeated on a regular basis: the answer you get yesterday may not be the answer you get tomorrow.
Another good reason to show up is if you want to hang out with friends.
True Goonrathi are simultaneously bad at video games and unbeatable at video games. This paradox became known as the “Pubbie’s Fallacy” (spelling corrected from ‘phallacy’) in the sixth edition, circa 1987. I think it was 1987. Whitney Houston was on the radio. Shut up, you’re drunk. I’m drunk. Whatever.
Cookie Puss freaks my shit out. Always get Fudgie the Whale.
There once was a goon from Nantucket. He almost went outside and said ‘fuck it.’ It’s cold outside, don’t fucking go outside.
Acceptance into the ranks of the Goonrathi is contingent on completion of assigned Newbird tasks and the ritual known as The Trial of Walter. Exact methodologies used in The Trial differ from applicant to applicant. Several trial formats used in the 1980s resemble the television program Mastermind. Others were more along the lines of an Old College Dare. Some never did tell.
The Council meets yearly. While the original location where this document was signed is no longer appropriate, fresh ice cream is still served at the High Table.