Kong Interstellar Security Solutions / KONG

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  • Regular
  • Security
    Security
  • Freelancing
    Freelancing
Join us now!

With members drawn from all across the galaxy, Kong Interstellar Security Solutions’ ranks have swelled with pilots unfit for UEE forces, leading to the formation of an informal command hierarchy with improvised and vicious combat strategies. Though borderline suicidal Kong is strangely effective.

History Manifesto Charter

History

Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks.

THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was The Pig, a horrid creature making crude and pointless robots out of dinobones and its own waste, hurling them at ape-like creatures with cloven hands demanding satisfaction for its efforts. These so-called “robots” were burned as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts of children. It wasn’t the welcome reception for the robots that The Great Pig had sought, for many were killed.

A war-like race of gorillas from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the mutant pig to make his confused robots and “grab-deals” with advanced alien technology. These grab-deals were made into recognizable shapes and given names like “Yoo-eye twopoint-oh” but these were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. The robots still sucked, in a big way.

You should have gotten a snack.

As time went on the vile Pig pushed the gorillas deeper and deeper into a pit of dashed hopes and self-loathing, forcing them to play with its stupid robots and demand money for its grab deals. Whispers emerged from a forgotten land, a rumor of hope. One that the gorillas clung to and hefted up upon their mighty shoulders, something which was kick started from within. It was a remembrance that they were once Citizens of the Stars, and under the name of their spiritual liege, Christ Roberts, the gorillas revolted against the pig.

From the wreckage of the great war between the gorillas and robots a lone surviving ape looked skyward into the night, knowing it had to live in another way. From the corpse of the pig the gorilla had rediscovered what it was to hope, to dream again. Then, the Great Gorilla understood its purpose and ascended to the heavens.

Kong happened and the stars wept.

Manifesto

Do you want to be short-lived cannon fodder? If not, do you want to hire some?

How about a career in actual suicide missions? Or are you interested in employees who will die (our guarantee!) before they can get paid?

Have you heard about the latest UEE employee safety standards? If you have, we’ll see you in court!

Do you have aspirations of personal glory or just perspirations of it? Are you in need of mooks who will take a bullet for you simply because they’re too fat not to?

Is the bank about to repossess your home, space ship, or small business? We got guys who will burn that shit down. We don’t even know their names.

Did you used to work a corner on Spider? Check out our openings under “Self-Motivated/Self-Starter with experience in territorial warfare (No less than 3 Life Sentences)”.

Are you in need of an on-the-go scrap team? We specialize in tearing down the ships as they flee at high speed.

Do you have a background in spatial aftermarket distribution? We have need of your services. Call Ronnie at 999-CAR-CHOP.

How about hiring an Idris for the afternoon in order to intimidate the competition? We do that too, but we can’t guarantee it’ll be there.

If you are interested in any of the above, then you have come to the right place.1

We are Kong Interstellar and we want your business!
No matter how badly you don’t want ours.

To contact us directly, please do not hesitate to reach us at:
steamcommunity.com/groups/KongInterstellar

Or if you’re in need of a more direct line:
Mumble: kong-interstellar.typefrag.com
Port: 8270

Alternatively, you can leave a message on our recruitment thread.

1 The information contained in this page is intended for educational purposes only. Kong Interstellar Security Solutions, LLC is not liable for any injury, dismemberment, chronic gluteal discomfort, mental impairment, and/or death caused by the misuse of information within this page. Consult your doctor to ensure you are healthy enough for information ingestion. Reading this page constitutes your unconditional acceptance of various undisclosed agreements with all associated terms, conditions, conclusions and opinions, either expressed or implied, as interpreted by the author without further clarification, subject to unilateral revision by the author in perpetuity.

Charter

1. GET IN MUMBLE

Mumble: kong-interstellar.typefrag.com
port: 8270
You don’t need a mic – the chat has text-to-speech support.

There is also a Steam group.
steamcommunity.com/groups/KongInterstellar

And this neat thing.
kong-interstellar.appspot.com

2. THIS IS A MERITOCRACY

Ranks do not matter. Contributing does.

3. DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY

We’ll probably make fun of you if you do. Leave your ego at the door and make/do something cool instead.

4. HAVE A GOOD TIME

Welcome to Kong.