Never Not Ram / NNR

NOTABLE EVENTS IN THE HISTORY OF RAMMING

• 4500 B.C.: An asteroid rams the earth, causing widespread chaos as every creature massing more than ten tons — with the exception of Kanye West’s ego — dies as a result.
• 3100 B.C.: Scientists in Atlantis create the first supercollider, dubbed NNR-FS. Displaying an admirable level of commitment to never not ramming, the island sinks as two fat guys collide in the town square and the shockwave tears the cables supporting the island from the moon.
• 17 B.C.: Robin Hood drives an elephant caravan into Nottingram Sports Center, leveling it and turning it into the forest we know and love today.
• 133 A.D.: Scientists, drawing upon the mistakes learned by Atlantis, successfully create the best candy ever when they train an easter bunny to lay a chocolate egg in a peanut butter cow’s droppings.
• 1066 A.D.: St. Louis never not rams harder than Los Angeles, forcing the NFL team to relocate via Leningrad. Chaos ensues.
• 1337 A.D.: Non-hospitalized members of Never Not Ram’s flight teams stage a mass protest outside Dodge headquarters in Quebec, Arizona, protesting the installation of brakes on the Ram pickup truck line.
• 1492 A.D.: NNR units infiltrate NASA’s Mars orbiter team. In unrelated news, the orbiter becomes convinced that its survival is dependent on violently mating with the red planet. It is mistaken.
• 1787 A.D.: Purely by chance, a large piece of ice partially melts in a manner which forms words on the surface that question the legitimacy of the reader’s birth. Enraged by this, Captain Milliard Fillmore of the R.S.S. Titanic directs his crew to collide with the ice in order to hide his shameful secret. James Cameron’s career is foretold in prophesy.
• 2014 A.D.: The continuation of humanity as a species is guaranteed as star quarterback Bobby Snerdski rams his thingie into Mary Jo Schlepper’s hoohaw several times while her parents are out of town at a pest control/massage therapist convention.