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True Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster / TCFSM
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Exploration
No one knows what the afterlife really holds, but we are told FSM Heaven has a Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory.
- An excerpt from the holy text Spaghetti, Wenches & Metaphysics.
History
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, after having existed in secrecy for hundreds of years, came into the mainstream just a few years ago*.
With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshipers, the Church of the FSM is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents – mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs.
Some claim that the church is purely a thought experiment or satire, illustrating that Intelligent Design is not science, just a pseudoscience manufactured by Christians to push Creationism into public schools. These people are mistaken — The Church of FSM is legit, and backed by hard science. Anything that comes across as humor or satire is purely coincidental.
Manifesto
The universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. There are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence.
What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
https://www.venganza.org/images/PiratesVsTemp.png
Religious texts tell us that humans evolved from Pirates. Consider that so-called “science experts” would have us believe humans evolved from primates, pointing towards the shared 99% shared DNA between humans and primates. But humans and Pirates share upwards of 99.9% of DNA.
We believe that Pirates were the original Pastafarians and that they were peaceful explorers. It was only due to Christian misinformation that they have an image of outcast criminals today.
We seek to emulate our Pirate Progenitors by continuing their tradtion of exploration. Every new meatball shaped planet discovered only serves to further display His noodly appendage’s touch on the universe. Perhaps, if we are truly blessed, we will be graced with His presence somewhere out there in the cosmos!
Charter
The Random Number of Not Commandments, Suggestions:
1. I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Thou shalt have no other monsters before Me. (Afterwards
is OK; just use protection.) The only Monster who deserves capitalization is Me! Other monsters
are false monsters, undeserving of capitalization.
2. Thou ought not do stuff thou already knowest is wrong, like killing, lying, cheating, stealing,
etc. Dost thou really need these carved into a rock?
3. Judge not, for verily it be not thine job neither most likely to be thine business.
4. Hey, try not to buy too much useless crap, OK?
5. Be kind unto others whether they are kind unto thou or not, for it maketh thou the better
person in most situations, and occasionally it doth piss off an idiot, which is funny unto Your
Lord the Sauced One.
6. Thou ought not consume “cheese” from a green cardboard can, nor ought thou allow such cans
into thy homes
7. Thou shalt share, that none may seek without finding.
8. Thou shalt not feel guilty for feeling good.
9. Thou shalt remember that all the peoples of the Earth are equally My Creatures. When thee
worship strippers, always show thy monetary appreciation generously. Remember that midgets
are Holy unto Me; thou shalt not overlook them.
10. Thou ought not take thy Pasta in vein. Or artery, for that matter.
11. Thou ought ever seek to improve thy Pasta, to more closely approach the Divine Noodliness.
12. Thou ought beware those who claim to have achieved Noodly Perfection, for they are False
Chefs whose claims of the Perfect Recipe will lead thee astray.
13. Thou shalt be amused rather than angered by the words and deeds of idiots; for I am thy
Noodly Lord and I have created idiots solely for entertainment purposes, Mine first and thine
likewise.
14. Vengence belongs only to the Holy One. Should you happen upon a restaurant that serves
pasta that is not up to the standard of the Holy One, simply deny that restaurant your business in
the future. You shall not vandalize, burn, harass, or otherwise disturb the peace.
15. Thou ought to taste beyond the shell of the tortellini, and into the cheesy fillings.
16. Thou shalt be free to worship the Blessed Pasta-King as thou seeth fit.
With acknowledgement to:
Solipsy, verbtea, Qwertyuiopasd, fusiontortellini, Skylow, Barbarian, supercheetah, and Pterorhynchus
