Die Gewinner! / UBERALLES

Once, long ago, there was an ancient forest. At this time, Freyja was touring Istanbul and eating chocolate eclairs when she came upon a bear, a very special bear.

“BLAUBAER!” she cried, “YOU STILL OWE ME ICELANDIC CHIHUAHUA AND ORAL PLEASURE!” to which Blaubaer ran away.

He ran and ran and ran. Eventually he came to the ocean and secured a job as cabin boy aboard the notorious ship “Good Vibrations” captained by Adolf Thorson Jackson III, the bloodthirsty sex toy smuggler from New Jersey.

After years of faithful service (and extensive product testing) Blaubaer eventually rose to the rank of first mate. Soon after, Captain Adolf Thorson Jackson III approached Blaubaer and said “I am not the real Captain Adolf Thorson Jackson the III”. He then drew a deadly poison tipped dildo, I mean dagger and made to stab Blaubaer straight in the heart as he did not want his secret to get out.

Luckily for Blaubaer, at that very moment a seagull shat on his new hat. Being a fastidious sort of bear, his reaction was to yell “COOTIES!” and scream like a little girl while flailing his arms about. This moment of bravery saved Blaubaer as he was able to divert the deadly dagger heading for his heart and send it straight away into Captain “Adolf” (so he calls himself) Thorson Jackson III’s left eye, killing him instantly.

Blaubaer saw to de-shitting his hat, and saw to it right well! He then approached the crew and notified them that they were out of the sex toy smuggling business and would now cater to the finest chefs in the ‘verse and become THE boutique chihuahua smuggler.

The crews response was a mighty “HUZZAH!” They were truly grateful that Blaubaer was exchanging a life of toilsome product testing to a life of gourmet cuisine.