Waste Management – Cleaning up the UEE
Last In. Last Out.
“In Waste Management, all your dreams come true. Even the bad ones.”
This one time, at band camp, I was doing way too much work and wasn’t even being able to play the thing I went there to play.
Shit. No. Fuck. That’s not how this starts. Ok, start over. That’s the beginning of American Pie 4, before they made American Reunion. Because I mean, who wouldn’t want to milk that franchise? The hangover did it, and look at them! Well, yeah, it would have been a much more impressive movie stand alone; but we get what we get. The second one was nominated for more “Teen Choice Awards” than the first one won in actual awards. That isn’t to say… Fuck, doing it again.
Ok, no more digressing. Serious face.
We played this game, that i’m sure most have you have heard of called Mechwarrior: Online. (Big promise, much pizzaz, such letdown. Wow.) And it was good for a long time. Like a year. That’s a while when you’re a F2P game. So most of us used to be the hardcore players, their “A” Team so to speak. Won 80% of the matches we played, hanged with 90% of the units in the competitive sphere. Played in a group called Clan Widowmaker. Well, ran the group called Clan Widowmaker. Then we had to put on our kid gloves and deal with way too much political bullshit. So we left, because who wouldn’t? Some words were said, I declared myself “Fanciest Overlord” and said something about “claiming their legacy” Their Win:Loss ratio? Yeah…
It kinda tanked.
But that’s not here or there. We’re here to talk about space, and the future, and lots of cool things.
So after we picked up shop, we kind of moved over to one of our buddies teams: cReddit. Good group, laid back, not too many dicks in and around your mouth. Just the right amount. Certainly not more than you can handle.
Well, MW:O kind of tanked. Or at least, it did for us. Maybe it’ll come back, be a thing, be worth the insane amount of hookers and blow we bought the devs, but likely not. Waste Management, on the other hand, is still strong. We play lots* of games and band together to shoot the shit. Some of us left, came back, went inactive and then had like 12 fucking kids (Read: F3nrir). But home is where you tolerate everyone, or at least have the mutual respect to say nothing to. Kind of like your parents who can’t admit they no longer love each other, and it would totally not be worth it economically to split up. But your mom now sleeps around and your dad is kind of a raging alcoholic slash really into God and everyone would still love him if he totally wasn’t canned in the economic downturn.
Damn, that got dark quick.
But no, we all love each other. Some in different ways. I’d probably take a bullet for them (Except Popsmosher, because he’s a fence jumping asshat; and I’ve dropped him as a friend on Facebook like twelve fucking times because of this.) So let’s talk about how you join in on the fisting:
We called ourselves The Fisting 55th after we smashed a bunch of assholes open at our old home. Granted, when you kind of stroll around like you’re the Cock of the Walk, you’re bound to Rustle Some Jimmies. And honestly, I like my Jimmies hand-rustled (for flavour). So take that as our idea of initiation.
stone cold assholes really nice people.
The people that are in this group have been friends for at least two years. We’re mainly made up of groups of people that have known each other for a lot of years. Like, since birth. Like brothers, but more like those cousins who live in the city next to you that you’re totally closer to on Facebook and Instagram than you are in real life. And when you see each other at family occasions you just get embarrassingly drunk and start “wine tasting” until suddenly there’s pastel coloured vomit everywhere like you’re white girls at their first frat party. But you know what we do?
You can find us on creddit-mercs.teamspeak3.com
Come hang out, talk some shit and wave your fleshy appendages around. If you don’t like us, I’m sure you’ll like some other cReddit group just fine.
CEO Waste Management
Director of Waste Disposal
“Citizen Kane” of Dick Pics
Toppler of Pyramid Schemes
*Including, but not limited to:
-Dota2, Payday 2, DayZ, ARMA III, Natural Selection 2, Warthunder, Tiddlywinks and the popular Tiddlywinks 2: The Tiddlying, The Secret World , ESO, Minecraft and Drinking Games
We used to be just like you:
Then we grew
Waste Management is made up from a variety of ages, ethnicities, political paradigms and professions. We’ve got politicians, bartenders, salesmen, accountants and one guy who’s like Deuce Biggalow (in the fish tank way). Some of us are even Veterans.
We are LGBTQQIAAP friendly. We wish the acronym was easier to remember, but we don’t make the rules here. We simply enforce them.
Swiftly, and with great pomp and circumstance.
We truly don’t care if we pick up more members. We’re happy with where we are at. But if you’re not happy with where you’re at, give us a look.
AS IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO THE KESHIK, all members must have their membership in the organization set to visible. Waste Management isn’t ashamed of you, despite your patchy beard; so why are you ashamed of Waste Management?
IN ADDITION, Waste Management doesn’t require being your main squeeze. Waste Management knows that sometimes, a man needs to hit up something hot and exotic for some sideways strange. However, Waste Management likes being clean; so you will be required to answer what groups you belong to outside of us. Waste Management has no problem being second string, because we’re not needy. Who said this was a relationship anyways? We’re just using you for your booty.
WHEREIN the party that feels wronged will approach a member of the Keshik or Khanate and air their grievance openly and without fear. Those being accused will be able to fully face their accuser and answer all charges after the party that feels wronged has said their peace. If requested, the accused will be given 24 hours to prepare a defense and answer the charges. It is the right of any member of Waste Management to seek arbitration directly from the Khan, instead of any appointed officer. Either party may request; but then the arbitration will be put on hold until the earliest convenience of the Khan. All rulings are final.
ARBITRATION can have the following penalties:
ARBITRATION effects all members at all rank levels. If the Khan is being accused, a tribunal of all members of the Keshik will be called to hear both sides. Either a GUILTY or NON GUILTY verdict must pass a 50%+1 majority of gathered members of the Keshik. Ruling will allow 24 hours from cessation of ARBITRATION to record all votes and pass one of the above judgments.
WHEREIN the accuser is a non-creddit member: The accused will face their accuser directly. The case will be dismissed without concrete evidence of wrongdoing. All political fallout will be lol’d at. If concrete evidence is provided, there will be a ARBITRATION as in the above section. In the event of wrong doing being found, any punishment less than Removal of Office may be forgiven by the act of Surkai. The guilty party must track down a competing waste disposal companies refuse bin and tag it with green and yellow sign of Waste Management. So all may know their future glory. Upon completion, photos of the deed must be posted for all to see.
WHEREIN the accuser is a cReddit Member: ARBITRATION may proceed as planned. The accuser has the right to demand impartial mediation by the CEO or a VP of cReddit Interstellar Directorate. However, the party from Waste Management will receive a member of the Keshik designated as their defense.
WHEREIN the formed body of members outside the Keshik are able to receive the signatures (digital or otherwise) of 25%+1 of their total members for a petition to remove a member of the Keshik; the Khan will hear their case. If 50%+1 of their total members is collected, the Khan will remove said member. The Khan will then form a group from the Keshik and the member who started the petition to find a replacement.
WHEREIN the Keshik seeks to replace the Khanate. A 50%+1 consensus must be reached. A champion will be selected from amongst the Keshik. The challenger must pay for travel fees of first class or equivalent for the member of the Khanate to where the accuser lives. Therein, a live streamed match of Rochambeau will take place.
A contest involving two participants with bare feet. The accuser will be granted the first kick. Both participants will stand in a sumo stance and begin delivering swift kicks to the opposites groin in alternating succession. Whomever withstands the most kicks wins. If one of the participants is Female, they must withstand 50% more blows than the male counterpart.
UPON COMPLETION, if the instigator has won; then they will get the rank of the vanquished. The displaced member of the Khanate will be granted the rank of Point and will be stripped of any further office. If the instigator loses, they will be removed from the Keshik and granted the rank of Point, forever forced to wear the Hat of Shame.