July 8th 2015
Beck Russum: Thanks for the report, Geoff. Make sure you shake out your jacket before getting back in the Empire Report Herald. Geez, talk about bugs in the system. How about the size of those things?
Alan Nuevo: Terrifying. Did not know that they liked to eat light conduits, though. That was news to me.
Beck Russum: Scary thought. Not only is your house swarming with Nela bugs, but none of the lights work. Talk about time to move.
Alan Nuevo: Best of luck to that lovely couple, though. A real shame what happened to their home.
Now on to a rather somber story. Earlier today, beloved performer Arthur Vin passed away during what hospital officials are calling emergency surgery. Witnesses reported that the 137-year-old Vin experienced shortness of breath while dining at Rosa’s Public House in Nova Kyiv, an establishment the veteran entertainer had been a faithful customer of since his retirement from the public spotlight six years ago. The EMTs who arrived at the scene identified the problem as a connection issue with his artificial lungs. After a system restart failed to alleviate the respiratory problems, the famed tridecagenarian was rushed to the emergency room at the nearby Mercer Cybernetic Hospital, where a team of surgeons installed a new set of lungs. Unfortunately, it seems that the damage was just too extensive and the implants were rejected. Arthur Vin passed away just a short time later.
The star of over 30 vids, including such classics as Go Down Easy and Any Way But My Way, Arthur Vin was best known for his voice work on the beloved children’s series On Our Own as the idealistic crusader pilot, Rory Nova. His catchphrase, “This time I mean it,” is fondly remembered by generations of fans who will surely be grieving this loss. Arthur had no children, but is survived by his partner of 52 years, fellow celebrity Eli Talloway.
There will be a short private ceremony this Friday before his body is interred into Goss, the star under which he was born over a century ago. We have the coordinates up on our Spectrum for those of you who wish to observe. It has been requested that all well-wishes and condolences be relayed directly to his management firm, Pitaya & Yos.
In the wake of such an unfortunate death, some of you out there may be asking, were the artificial lungs to blame for his regrettable passing? To explain more about the why and how of cybernetic failures, Empire Report’s very own medical guru Dr. Illeana Byrne joins us. Welcome back, Dr. Byrne.
Dr. Illeana Byrne: Good to be back, Alan.
Alan Nuevo: Now, Dr. Byrne, what can you tell us about what happened to Mr. Vin and why the doctors may have been unable to save his life?
Dr. Illeana Byrne: As many of you may be aware from his charitable work, Mr. Vin suffered from IPF, or idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. By the time he was 23, due to an accumulation of scar tissue, his lungs needed to be replaced. To get technical for a moment, this was what we doctors called a bilateral installation, where both lungs are replaced with artificial ones at the same time.
Alan Nuevo: But this wasn’t his only set of lungs, correct?
Dr. Illeana Byrne: Correct. We don’t know how many sets of artificial lungs exactly that Mr. Vin had gone through over the years, but it is relatively common to require them to be interchanged and upgraded over the years.
Alan Nuevo: So what went wrong?
Dr. Illeana Byrne: It comes down to the way the Human body interacts with cybernetic replacements and the reason why we aren’t all immortal yet.
Alan Nuevo: Yet? That mean there still hope for me, Doc?
Dr. Illeana Byrne: I think that Humanity will continue to make great strides in prolonging life, but as the old joke goes, I don’t think I’ll see immortality in my lifetime. See, in order to interface with all these cybernetic and artificial limbs and organs, we still need to rely on our nervous system, which like the rest of our bodies, decays and weakens over time. And unfortunately, cybernetic parts can put even more strain on our nervous system, so that at the connection point, or the neural exchange as it were, the nerves over time become unable to support additional graftings. This is what most likely happened to Mr. Vin. His nervous system was no longer able to communicate with the implant and was not strong enough to be able to sync with a new one.
Alan Nuevo: Thanks for all that useful information, Doctor. Reminds me of the old ship my uncle kept trying to fix up. You can put in as many shiny new parts as you want, but if you got a rusty hull, you’re going to have problems. Definitely something to think about next time you’re at the med center.
Beck Russum: Coming up, we’ll be taking a look at the Polo initiative and see why, according to some, this controversial proposal could be the death of the UEE.
Alan Nuevo: But before we take our quick commercial break, let’s revisit some of Arthur Vin’s classic moments over an awe-inspiring career. He will be missed.
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