Posted:2012-10-17 20:20:20
spectrum-dispatch
[ Music ]
Announcer: Don’t crawl into that cryopod just yet. Not when there’s Something Every Tuesday, with your host Esen Landari!
[ Applause ]
Thank you! I’m absolutely thrilled to be here with all of you. Make sure to give it up for SET’s very own talented announcer, Christine.
[ Applause ]
Christine, just to check, were you implying that people out there are debating between putting themselves in to a state of frozen stasis and watching our show?
Announcer: Yup.
Great.
[ Laughter ]
I, for one, am very excited to see what they choose. Hopefully, they stick around because we have a fantastic show coming up. One of my personal favorite comedians, Langer Lewis, will be coming by fresh from his latest tour.
Plus, cleaning expert Daryl Hissup will explain how to transform your hab from funky to fresh. Something that I’m personally dying to know. No matter how hard I try to stay organized, stuff just always starts to pile up everywhere. My place has gotten so bad that I actually had to switch from hiring cleaning crews to contracting search and rescue teams.
[ Chuckle ]
Now, normally I break down all the biggest stories of the week for you, but I’m gonna be honest, there’s only one thing that I’ve been following: this year’s IAE.
[ Cheers ]
For you planet-bound folks out there, I’m talking about the Intergalactic Aerospace Expo, where a few days from now all of the ‘verses biggest and best manufacturers will be coming together to show off their latest and greatest. It does not get better than this for a gearhead like me. Well, maybe if Consolidated Outland announced they were designing a gravlev called the Esen.
[ Laughter ]
Silas, feel free to comm my people.
[ Chuckle ]
Besides all the new ships and tech upgrades, the real excitement is that the IAE Board of Directors recently announced that there is not going to be just the one Expo on Kiel this year, but that they are adding an entirely new second location.
[ Applause ]
Of course, most of that excitement goes away as soon as you find out that the second Expo is going to be hosted on Hurston.
[ Laughter ]
Not quite sure what the Board was thinking on this one. My best guess is that they thought people would have fun if it smelled like the Expo was being held inside a fuel tank.
Okay, actually my real best guess is that Hurston Dynamics paid them a ridiculous sum for the honor. No one knows for sure, but the rumors have it well into nine digits. Apparently, the ol’ Colonel, CEO Gavin E. Hurston himself, has been growing tired of the bad rep his planet has gotten over the years. That’s why last year they built a giant new convention center just outside of Lorville. Guess how many conventions they’ve hosted since it opened? One. And that was for Hurston Dynamics annual management training.
I guess it’s hard to draw tourists when the two things your planet is known for is labor violations and toxic shock.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, having a second Expo isn’t all bad. While tickets to the main Expo on Kiel sold out weeks ago, IAE Hurston has plenty left. And according to the IAE, the Hurston Expo is going to have all the same vehicles on display. That means no matter which Expo you go to, you will still get to see in person all the Origin models that Ellroy Cass crashed this year.
[ Laughter ]
But not all ship buzz this week has been focused on the IAE. Did you hear about the capture of Kelligan’s Bazaar? One of the biggest Advocacy busts this year. A vice sting operation discovered a Kraken filled to the brim with just about every illegal contraband item you can think of, all thanks to some enterprising outlaws setting the massive ship up as a floating black market.
Shopper Impression: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the vials of Slam?
Store Clerk Impression: Of course, sir. Just make a right past the stolen kidneys. If you hit the cage full of crying Osoians you’ve gone too far.
[ Laughter ]
So much for Drake not making ships for criminals. CEO Anden Arden was quick to point out that just because some creative people were using the Kraken for illegal activities does not mean that Drake condones such activity. To which the entire universe responded by winking back at him.
[ Laughter ]
Okay! Our special guest Daryl Hissup will be joining us in a little bit. But first, we have a special edition of —
Announcer: The Headlines of Tomorrow!
[ Music and Applause ]
That’s right, Headlines of Tomorrow, where we give you a special preview of the biggest news stories that will be making headlines all this week.
First up, we have this headline straight from the IAE.
Anvil premieres their new ship: the Arrow. Vanduul respond by making their ships even pointier.
[ Laughter ]
Next up is a touching headline for the upcoming holiday on December 3rd.
UEE holds an Empire wide moment of silence to honor Anthony Tanaka Remembrance Day. Most people use that moment to think, ‘Who is Anthony Tanaka again?’
[ Sparse Chuckles ]
Okay, guess I need to wait a few more decades before making Tanaka Jokes. Our last Headline of Tomorrow is also from this week’s Expo.
Drake Interplanetary introduces a new Kraken variant called the Murderer. Claims it’s designed to help teach children how to read.
[ Laughter ]
All right, we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, cleaning tips with Daryl Hissup and comedian Langer Lewis, right after this.
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