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Roberts Space Industries ®






May 3rd 2017

StarWatch: Ancient Scandals

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Get ready, get set, because Callie C is about to go full StarWatch on you. We’ve got the hottest celebrity entertainment news from across the Empire primed to beam direct, with only the freshest of the fresh thanks to our insightful insiders and tenacious tipsters working tirelessly to get the drop for you.

First up, a new fashion trend that’s less about what you wear, and more about what you don’t. Specifically, onola gems. These pale blue incandescent crystals have been showing up on runways all over the place since Opal Sky used them heavily in their Spring ’46 collection. I’m sure some of you deep scanners out there have spotted my festive LaVenti slips that are just oozing with the suckers. Cute as hell, but that might not be enough to save them from being trashed. A fashion design collective calling themselves Last Impression have started a movement to get manufacturers to boycott the use of the little sparkles. Turns out that the mines in Tyrol where they’re collected may not be the nicest place to work. The group’s been sharing some pretty nasty vid of the poor conditions there, and it’s heartbreaking. Celebrities like Uvara, Karen Masters and Trilo have already joined the boycott effort, and as of right now, so am I. ’Cause fashion is just as much about reflecting who you are on the inside as it is what you look like on the outside, right?

Next, we got some musical mayhem going on. From what we hear, not all is synching on the Cries of Whispers tour. Musically, the pairing of electro-thunk sensation Miss Nomer with the traditional Xi’an choral septet Nyalāth has been earning tons of exube reviews from fans and critics, but apparently, backstage things weren’t as harmonious. Now, we haven’t received deets on exactly what the drama was — I don’t buy for a second the spectrum theory that it’s the food smells coming from Nyalāth’s dressing room — but our tipster’s reporting that Miss Nomer has officially broken her contract and is ending the tour early. While normally this would be devastating news, it has the makings of something a bit more dire since the tour was officially sponsored by the Xi’an government.

Planned as part of the push to get that treaty thing everyone’s been talking about passed, they had hoped this concert tour would spread a little xeno-goodwill around. Definitely an ill omen if Miss Nomer — who had the fortitude to date the infamously annoying Sess Tendi for three whole weeks — can’t make peace with them. With her exiting, the organizers are desperately pinging other musicians to take Miss Nomer’s place. My vote? Raz Ditto. Those otherworldly Xi’an trimonic chords with Raz’s soulful wail? Yes, please.

From there we go to the case of the missing Cass. Tons of you who tuned in to watch the new series Then There Were Three last night were surprised to see the role of Agent Styles played not by infamous gadabout Ellroy Cass, as showcased in the trailer released a few months back, but by the adequately handsome Tyrese Leroc. Reaching out, we got confirmation that the studio decided to “go in a different direction for the role.” Or in other words, they spent a lot of time and credits at the last minute to reshoot all the scenes with Cass so that they wouldn’t be associated with his all-consuming wreck of a life. For those of you keeping track, this is the third major role poor Cass has lost in the wake of his drug fueled crash and burn at the Crimson Tower premiere two months ago. Of course, the first two hadn’t started shooting yet, so this one has got to be stinging a bit more.

I’ll admit it. I’m getting worried about our golden boy. After all his slip-ups and comebacks, has he finally vented all his good will? Scary thought. I’m not sure I want to live in a ‘verse void of his scandals and overacting. I mean, just think about all he’s given us this year alone. Glitter abs? Jumper juice? The phrase “I just cassed out”?

To help him rise phoenix-like once again, I wanted to use a bit of our precious StarWatch time to put all of Cass’s celebrity ass-hatery in proper historical context. And people say this show’s not educational and stuff! I am one hundred percent stoked to welcome friend and historian, Jane Osbar, professor of new media at U of R and author of Pixels and Pain: Digital Emotional Transcendence. For the next couple of shows, she is going to highlight some of the biggest celeb scandals of the past few centuries, all of which make the stuff Cass’s been up to look all kinds of tame.Thanks for being on the show again, Jane!

JANE: You know as soon as you comm, Callie, I come running. Ancient celebrity gossip is my passion.

I am totally picturing a class full of confused students wondering where the heck you are right now.

JANE: No way, they totally know where I am. StarWatch is required viewing for all my classes. Hey, guys!

Are you serious? This might be the most touched I’ve ever been other than that time I got to meet Jo Niar. Surprisingly into hugging, that one. Speaking of inappropriate actions, care to share the first shocker you’ve selected for us?

JANE: I thought we’d start with Gil Taggart from way back in 2762.

Oh man, I love this story. So dark!

JANE: It is definitely a skin crawler. Basically, imagine the most attractive person you can and that was Gil for people back then. When you see the pics of him, it doesn’t quite translate because of the long hair braids, but take my word, those were totally in style.

Our fashion expert, Nisco, has promised me those are coming back but I refuse to believe him. Anyway, Gil. Super-hot.

JANE: Right. He has fame and fortune, and then one day he’s flying to some big party, and his ship runs into some engine trouble. The pilot sends out an emergency signal, but it cuts off almost immediately. It was still on long enough to attract the attention of a nearby repair station, so they send out a trawler just in case there’s some credits to be made. When they approach the ship they can’t raise anyone on the comms, so they send someone over to investigate.

It’s like something straight out of vid.

JANE: They EVA over, cut their way into a hatch, and find the pilot shot to death in a pool of blood in a room with three stasis pods, each one containing a greenish-skinned person also shot to death. Gil is nowhere to be found. And on top of all that, it turns out that the ship had been set to self-destruct, but thanks to the same mechanical problem that had killed the engine, it didn’t work.

Can you imagine finding that on an abandoned ship? Goodbye, sleep.

JANE: It’s even worse once you know what he had been doing with those bodies. The Advocacy would find out that as Gil was getting older, he had been more and more preoccupied about the signs of aging. Somehow he had come to believe that the copper rich blood of people from Lorona would help him stay young, but only if he got it directly from the source. So for going on five years, he had been storing people in those pods and using them for forced blood transfusions. He did them constantly, hence why he had to bring them when he traveled. When the ship broke down, Gil panicked, killed everyone, set the self-destruct and fled.

And no one ever found where he went, right?

JANE: Yup. Vanished. Though there are some rumors in Kesseli that Gil stills roams the caves sucking the blood of the innocent.

How’s that for putting Cass doing a bit too much flow in perspective? At least he’s not vampiring all up on people. On that happy thought, StarWatch is taking a quick break. Don’t you dare go anywhere.

End Transmission

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