IE11 is no longer supported
We do not support Internet Explorer 11 and below. Please use a different web browser.
Roberts Space Industries ®






March 2nd 2016

BOotyCall: Paradise Lost





Listen up you lugnuts and grief-givers. This is Jester, back with BOotyCall. The only Spectrum show celebrating the worst in the ’verse.

Now, I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to do this, but we need to talk about what’s happening in Nexus. No, not the UEE’s weak-ass attempt to establish some order in the system. That ain’t the problem. It’s some local pirate packs that are causing all the real issues.

Right now, Nexus is a bloody paradise. Technically, it’s a UEE system, so public and private goods and capital flow through it, meaning there’s a ton of potential targets plus three jumps into unclaimed systems to sneak away with your score. Throw in the government’s current obsession with reassigning Nexus’ security forces to the Vanduul border and we’ve hit the criminal sweet spot. A system plum for pillaging as long as we don’t draw too much attention to it.

But that dream’s gonna be gone if Nexus’ raggabrash pirate packs keep mucking about and drawing extra UEE attention to the system. Seriously, what’s going on ain’t good for business and is bad, bad, bad for other operators.

See, I had a line on a sweet score in Nexus. It wasn’t going to be easy, but that’s what got my gears going. The job required patience, subtlety and the proper skillset. I even had to cross half the ’verse to get a special ship with clean tags and overclocked components from the Screaming Galsons in Odin. Talk about my kinda of crew; maniacs, all of ’em, but bloody good at their jobs. See, professional crews can’t just be craaaaaazy, kiddos. They gotta be cunning and competent too.

After sinking a ton of time and creds into the Nexus scheme, I was ready to make my move. So I did the first thing any pro would do, turn off the comm relay covering the sector where I planned to spring my trap. Didn’t want the ECN picking up any crying. Note that I said “turn off” the comm relay, and not destroy it, which is exactly what someone decided to do while I was EVAing inside of the thing.

Basically, I had just deactivated the relay when the structure took a massive hit. I had no idea what was going on, just started scrambling my way to the exit before the whole place tore apart. Meanwhile, my mind’s racing about who’s outside waiting to ghost me. Had my tip on this job been an Advocacy sting? Was another crew muscling in on my score?

As I slowly approached the exit, I drew my pistol. Fully expecting someone to be spying on the exit and waiting to fill my face with firepower, I kept to the shadows and crept forward only to see empty space. The lack of an ambush made me realize that whoever was attacking might not know someone was inside since I’d come in quiet and parked my ride under one of the big, honking struts that extend from the relay.

It was then that I first saw the buggers. Had to be about twenty dingos on Dragonflies swarming the far side of the comm relay. Some were using their ships to shoot the relay while others were busy planting explosives. That’s when I noticed a member of the explosive crew heading to where the hull intersected with the strut where I was hiding. They hadn’t spotted my ship yet, but I knew if that section blew, my ship could be damaged, or worse, sent spinning through space at a speed I could never catch.

So I EVA’ed as fast as I could to my ship and climbed inside. I had half a mind to open fire on the Dragonfly crew when, all of a sudden, they sped away from the relay. First, I thought they had spotted me and were staging a swarm attack. Then it sunk in, they were about to blow the whole damn thing. I quickly powered up my ship and spooled up the quantum drive. The relay was ripped to shreds just as the QD engaged and sped me away from danger.

Ok, sure I was a more than a little annoyed about the entire near death experience, but what really pissed me off was that after all that planning the area would be crawling with the law looking for whoever destroyed the comm relay. My score was as good as dead. I mean even the most thick skulled scally knows you don’t destroy comm relays; you deactivate them. The hack ain’t that hard, and suddenly, that sector of space is off the grid until the company sends some poor sucker to fix it.

But the second a relay gets destroyed, the company, the police, even the Advocacy or military gets a comm about it. Instead of that sector going dark, it’s flooded with the folks we don’t want there. How this Dragonfly crew didn’t understand one of the basic, pirate edicts baffled me, so I asked around about them.

Turns out this crew is one of the newer packs in Nexus. Calling themselves the Cannae Cavalry, their MO is one thing — chaos. That comm relay they attacked while I was inside? Yeah, it’s one of many that they’ve destroyed recently. Word is that the CC aren’t too keen on the UEE establishing themselves in the system, and this is their very vocal protest.

Well, here’s my very vocal response to the Cannae Cavalry — STOP IT! Destroying comm relays is hurting our action. I know you probably grew up dreaming of your name carrying cache in Cathcart, or receiving reverence from whatever pack controls Ruin Station. But becoming the best, worst pirate you can be doesn’t mean torching everything you touch, trust me. It’s like the nub pilots that never takes take their finger off the trigger and redline their blasters before landing a single shot.

If you’re looking to survive and succeed in hostile space, you can’t be all about death, destruction and chaos. It’s more about control, cunning and ruthlessness. It’s a lesson I’ve learned the hard way.

So if you’re a member of the Cannae Cavalry, or know someone who is, you best learn that flying ’round full of piss and vinegar, blasting apart anything and everything, ain’t the right way to make a name for yourselves. Continue to do so and you’ll draw ire from not only the UEE, but from even worse, me.

BOotyCall out!


End Transmission

Part of

News Update

More in this series



Loading Additional Feedback